As professional matchmakers we are often asked the same question by Black women: Why are some men so intimidated by us? They’re not making this up. Often times, if we are accomplished, we’re seen as too independent, and if we don’t have an established career and completely cater to a man’s needs, we’re often looked at as “gold diggers.” We can’t win! Black women are wonderful (we know this) but somehow many of our clients often believe that dating a sister is no longer “in style” for Black men. We’ve asked single Black men to share some of the real perceptions floating around about dating Black women, to help jumpstart the conversation and dispel some of the myths out there. Here are the top seven responses.
Unfortunately Black women often have so many things we are trying to juggle that it can sometimes become second nature to not smile or take a moment to say hello. Fun can take a backseat when we’re fighting to pay bills, continue our education and make a name for ourselves. Because of this, some Black men believe that women of other races maintain a more light, airy “fun girl” approach to love in their adult years, which they ultimately find more attractive. They feel that after a while, our focus shifts from being the “fun girlfriend” to being more practical instead and solely concerned with insuring the house is clean, meals are made and children are taken care of. Those things are most important, of course, but remember that relationships need full-time nurturing and maintenance too.
We’ve heard men tell us that Black women often come across as if we don’t want to be bothered when we’re out and about in public. Whether in a store or leaving the office, we often appear more focused on what’s ahead or the next stop and not on meeting someone new.
Is there some truth to the perception that some of us can overlook a Black man or not be as uplifting because instead we think they need to have already arrived before we give them a chance? Some brothers seriously think so, and feel they’ve seen evidence of it early on within relationships. They often say they feel more supported by women of other ethnicities earlier on in their careers and during their college years.
Often Black women have been raised to keep our poise and act like a lady at all times, especially in public and while under pressure. However, Black men tell us they love the freedom and ability to know their woman can be flexible and go with the flow in certain more spontaneous situations. And that may mean feeling comfortable enough to act out his wildest fantasies knowing he won’t be judged for asking.
When it comes to settling, we’re usually not the ones. If we’ve taken the time to work hard we often want someone with the same drive or better (he better be 6’1” or taller, attractive, have a minimum of a bachelor’s degree, God-fearing, and have passport will travel), and so often we would rather wait for this man who meets all of our requirements based on our achievements which is not always in abundance depending on where in the country we live. Is every single item on your list all that important? Maybe or maybe not. But it is something to think about.
If we do say hello to a man, sometimes they automatically assume we want a romantic relationship with him whereas if a woman of another ethnicity says a random hello, wants to network, or plays the damsel in distress role he often feels less threatened and more willing to share. It’s really more their problem than ours, but unfortunately we often appear “desperate” to men when we are being friendly because there’s an assumption that we’re always on the hunt for a husband. It’s sad, but true in their eyes.
We’ve heard Black men say that they feel that with other women it’s kind of a “just go with the flow” situation as relationships progress. There’s not as much pressure on him to marry until he’s ready, but often they feel Black women are focused on marriage from the start – as we should be. Yet another example of something we’re often judged for that is actually not a negative dating quality.
Please remember that this is just feedback from some Black men about what intimidates them when seeking Black women. Not all men feel this way, although it’s important to understand that many do. Black women are beautiful and we have so much to offer. The good thing is there are many Black men who do still want to love us just the way are. We must continue to fight to dispel many of these myths and take control of our own connections and destiny. Now what? Read the next slide to find out how we move past these misjudgements and get real.
Let’s do our part beginning now to start a movement that reminds our brothers that we are here, we are beautiful and we are open to and available for love. Dispelling these myths and introducing them to great single friends we know is the best next step. One “friendtroduction” at a time, we will find love and show the world that indeed, Black is beautiful and always in style! Read more advice from The Matchmaking Duo on their blog and share your reaction to this piece below!