EXCLUSIVE: Elle Varner on Healing After Heartbreak, Breakup Commandments
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Heartbreak is all too familiar to Grammy nominated singer-songwriter Elle Varner, who went through a very public breakup that inspired her upcoming album, Four Letter Word. The key to moving on is moving past it, and Varner has done just that. She recently spoke to ESSENCE.com about how she survived such a brutal breakup and began to heal her heart.

ESSENCE: What has been the biggest lesson you’ve learned from heartbreak?
That you can love someone as much as you want and they can love you as much as they want but it doesn’t always mean that your relationship is going to work or that you’re right for each other. What I went through post break up was a sad time for me, kind of a darker time for me, but I had to go through that to really come back as a complete woman. It takes strength and it takes courage and that’s my message to all the women out there. Men too!

ESSENCE: How did you get your heart to heal after your breakup?
I really took that time to myself. It was a choice. I could go on the rebound, I could jump into something and put a Band-Aid on it or I could actually figure out what this means on a bigger scale and that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. So that was my choice. Sometimes we want to be in a relationship when we’re not really ready.

ESSENCE: What are your post-breakup commandments?
I think you should cut contact for whatever time you think you need to get where you need to be. I would say keep the social media stalking to a minimum. Unless you have the will power, you’re probably going to do it, and just really don’t focus on it. Find something else that you can spend your time and energy doing. Maybe find a new hobby or a new haircut. Something that excites you, gets you going a little bit.

ESSENCE: Are you currently dating and looking for love?
I can honestly say that I’m not because a relationship is a lot of work. It’s a lot of compromise it’s a lot of consideration and when the most important thing to you is your career, what does that say about a relationship. I’m just not there right now. I’m into my career and my work. ‘

ESSENCE: What advice would you give people to possibly prevent an avoidable breakup?
Enjoy the moment more. I think I lived a lot of my relationships in my head too much and wanting it to be something that I think is perfect and I think it should be instead of seeing it for what it is. And this is a key thing.

ESSENCE: In the future, what are you looking for in your “ideal” man?
Someone who is intelligent; I’m not about how you look or what you have-of course those things help-but if we can’t have a conversation, if you can’t engage me in certain discussions then it’s not going to work. I like good loyal people. I like guys that I’m not going to have to worry about.

Stay on the lookout for Elle’s new album, Four Letter Word, available later this year.