Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My husband cheated with a young lady the same age as his daughter. He is 39 and the young lady is now 20, maybe 21 at the most..
It has been 7 months since the affair and I still can’t seem to focus during sex. My mind is all over the place.
How can I refocus on sex with him?
Can’t Let It Go
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
You are trying to reclaim your intimacy after your husband cheated. This is an extremely difficult situation and my heart goes out to you in your pursuit of your happy ending. There is no right or wrong answer to whether you should stay with your partner after an affair. I am sure that you made the best decision for you and your family.
Be easy with yourself. I know that you want to just get life back the way it was pre-cheateration, but it feels like you are rushing yourself. It can take 2 years, if at all, to recover from cheating in a relationship. Our feelings in response to a betrayal, like anger and grief, have to be truly felt and experienced in order for you to forgive in a real way and move forward.
Until you are able to come to a place of true forgiveness, you will probably not feel safe enough to experience true intimacy.
I recommend that you try 40 days of intimacy with your man. Every day spend 30 minutes of intimacy together. You don’t have to have intercourse but it should be sexy time. There are many ways to be intimate. Maybe you just “make out” like you did when you first met. Perhaps you hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes. No matter what, DO spend 30 minutes a day for 40 days in a row reconnecting on an intimate level.
Here are some additional tips on reconnecting with a partner to regain lost intimacy:
Get your head in the game, pun intended. Sex is primarily a mental game; the physical part is secondary. Take care of your own mind, body, and spirit. Is this really what you want? Are you making choices from love or fear?
2. Communicate. Your intimacy is shattered, understandably. Tell your husband that you are experiencing difficulty. He should be making an effort to have positive communication with you as well. You should not feel like you are trying to figure this out alone.
3. Try mindfulness. During sex, you want to stay present. Be in the moment. You can do this by focusing on your body parts, on the tastes, touches, smells and sensations during intimacy. Being in the moment will do a great deal to help you reconnect.
Most importantly, invest in a good family or couples’ therapist. There are some coaches and counselors who focus on helping couples and individually heal from infidelity. Do your research and find someone who you feel comfortable with. Whether your husband is willing to go to counseling or not, you need to get support for yourself.
I wish you every blessing.
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.