Intimacy Intervention: ‘My Boyfriend Gets Paranoid and Withholds Sex!’
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

My boyfriend gets paranoid and withholds sex. Whenever he gets set off about me possibly cheating he gets an attitude and that’s it. He won’t respond if I try to kiss him and pushes me away if I touch him.

I swear I have been nothing but faithful but he’s always accusing me of infidelities. He smells my underarms and my underwear when I stay out late because he insists my sweat smells different when I have sex. If I smell too clean he says I must have taken a shower somewhere. He’ll say my breath smells like I was giving oral. He accuses me of flirting and sleeping with my boss, the guy at the corner store, even his own brother.

We have been together for almost two years. Ever since he found out that I made more money than him it’s like a switch went off. He was all like, “why would somebody like you be with somebody like me,” and I feel like I have to keep proving that I don’t want anybody else. He thinks I must want to leave him or cheat on him. He points out other men and says, “you like him, right?”

Sometimes he mopes like a two year old or throws things.Then he says he can’t have sex with somebody who is “probably out there like that” and won’t touch me for a couple of weeks. Then we’ll be good and then maybe a waiter smiles at me and the paranoia begins all over again. If I’m feeling a little too good about myself it seems like he makes little comments. Like he told me he knows about some stomach exercises I can do when I haven’t mentioned wanting to workout.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s not always like that. When I’m feeling real bad or having problems at work or with family or whatever, he is the most supportive, loving, man.

Is it normal for a man to be holding back on the sex and affection?


He’s Paranoid and Probably Reading This

My Love,

This will be my shortest reply in the history of this column. Ready? Run, bounce, leave, pack up, and move on.

Okay. I do have more to say.

This is not about sex. This is not about you flirting. This is about control and how insecure this man feels in his own skin and how out of control he feels in his own life. This person sounds extremely toxic. His means of coping with life, regularly throwing things and withholding sex, is tantamount to adult temper tantrums. Your relationship is emotionally abusive.

This is not your happy ending. Anytime you have to shrink or play small in order to make somebody feel big, this is a red flag. Your partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, not your biggest critic  and belittler. He should lift you higher, not push you lower.  You are worthy of being loved, honored, and cherished. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Prince Charming will be supportive in good times and bad, not just when he can be “better” than you. There are plenty of great men out there and one of them is waiting for you.

My sacred bombshell, I am holding a vision for you of healthy and outrageously happy love. Take the time after the breakup to invest in counseling or coaching for your well-being and personal evolution. If you don’t figure out why you were with this man to begin with, you could end up in the exact same situation with someone else.

Passionately yours,


Courtesy of Abiola Abrams

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.