Intimacy Intervention: ‘I’m A Frustrated 39-Year-Old Virgin’
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I am a 39-year-old woman and still a virgin. This is where I usually pause for stupid comments. Anyway, I’m turning 40 soon and don’t want to be the “40 Year Old Virgin.”

This started out with me taking a chastity pledge on my 16th birthday. I promised with a ring and everything in my church to be a virgin until I got married. I didn’t pledge to my father or anything creepy like that. This was way before it became a popular thing you see on TV.

Fast forward and although I haven’t really been religious in 15 years, I am still a virgin. What happened was even though I wasn’t in the church I still really wanted my first to be somebody I married. Or at least somebody I had a real relationship with. That never happened and it just got awkward trying to lose my virginity. I was scared if I gave it up somebody might just “hit it and quit it.” Every time I met somebody I thought might be “the one” I ended up being cheated on or sold a bunch of lies.

I am planning to ask my attractive homeboy Mike if he is willing to hook a sister up. We’ve been cool for a while but we have never caught feelings. I’m excited to move on to another chapter of my life and sick of waiting. 

I’ve “made out” before like first base and second base. I masturbate. My hymen is history. I just have never gone all the way. Should I just give up waiting endlessly for “the one” and “hit it” with Mike?


Wanna Get It Over With

Greetings Gorgeous,

So you’d like to release the virginity status before you hit the big 4-0? It is admirable that you wanted to wait for a committed, long term partner. If this was still important for your own personal, spiritual, moral or ethical needs, I would tell you to continue to wait. However, you seem to just want to have sex. Go for it!

There is no shame in being a 40-year-old virgin — or not. Know that you are a woman in charge of her own body. You don’t need my permission or anyone else’s to do what you feel is best for you.

I am sorry to hear that you have had such challenging relationship experiences. No one enjoys being betrayed but if we live long enough, unfortunately we all experience a bit of heartache. What matters most is how we rebound and heal moving forward.

Based on your personal history, it’s smart that you are thinking of a friend as a safe person to move forward with. I’m sure that after waiting so many years, you are feeling a large degree of anxiety and anticipation. You didn’t give details about Mike but just be clear upfront about expectations for both of you. You wouldn’t want this situation to ruin your friendship. It’s not a stretch to imagine that once you are both intimate with each other and the attachment hormones are flowing that one or both of you may develop feelings. The other good thing about embarking on this journey with a friend is that you are less likely to experience the feeling of being a curiosity or ridiculed for your choice. As you mention being stymied by bad experiences, this is important.

Things you need to know for your first time:

1. Tell your friend.

If Mike doesn’t already know that you’re a virgin, tell him. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it may help things go smoother. He also deserves as a friend to know that he’s going to be such a big part of your personal history.

2. Safe sex is the only way to go.

I define safe sex as sex that is physically, mentally and emotionally safe. It would be great to have a clear understanding of Mike’s health status in addition to using condoms. Make sure that you have them with you.

3. Manage expectations.

Take it easy, release the pressure and enjoy the experience. It’s okay if you feel awkward, laugh, don’t laugh, have the best time or less than the best time. This is your real life, not a movie.

4. Don’t ever have any kind of sex just to “get it over with.”

Your body, mind and spirit are involved so there is nothing casual about that. Do it because this is what you would like to do at this time.

Set the scene with sensuous candles. Wear sexy lingerie that makes you feel sexy. It’s okay to laugh. Be sure you’re turned on. Make this a special night for yourself!

You are an admirable and honorable person. You are not giving your virginity to someone else or losing anything. You are making a choice that works for you. Don’t give up on finding love. I see you happy, smiling and in the hot, healthy relationship of your dreams.

Good luck!

Passionately yours,

Courtesy of Abiola Abrams

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.