Frisky Friday: Fantasy Play 101

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!" Rihanna declares in her song "S&M" from her latest album, "LOUD." Now, we may not take all our cues from the sexy Bajan singer -- you probably don't want to rush out and tattoo your hand and dye your hair bright red if you work in a corporate office -- but there's something about "S&M" that has us grinning quietly in our cubicles as we reminisce about that time things got pretty rough in the bedroom. Let's explore this somewhat taboo form of sexual roleplay that blends sensual pain with pleasure to make it hurt so good. Here's what you had to say: Monique commented via Facebook: "I love the control I have in the bedroom." Kimberly wrote via Facebook: "I like a man that takes control in the bedroom. That is such a turn on to me."

By Bobbi Misick · Updated October 29, 2020

Intro to S and M

S&M 101

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!” Rihanna declares in her song “S&M” from her latest album, LOUD. Now we may not take all our cues from the sexy Barbadian singer (You probably don’t want to rush out and tattoo your hand and dye your hair bright red if you work in a corporate office), but there’s something about “S&M” that has us grinning quietly in our cubicles, as we reminisce about that time things got pretty rough in the bedroom. Let’s explore this somewhat taboo form of sexual roleplay that blends pain with pleasure to make hurt so good.

What’s it all about

When you hear S and M, you may automatically picture yourself dressed in latex holding a leather whip, ready to deliver thirty lashings to your whimpering lover. It doesn’t have to be like that. S and M is simply about pushing your boundaries in the bedroom. It’s about an exchange of pain that can turn into an explosion of pleasure, that’s just as enjoyable for the giver as it is for the receiver.

Knowledge is Pleasure

Want to know what you’re getting into before you commit to an S and M sesh with your lover. Get all the naughty details from Jay Weisman’s “SM101.” — Amazon.com, $16.47

Something to Talk About

If you want to delve into S and M, the first step comes before you enter the bedroom. Have a chat with your man about what S and M means to you. Establish who will be giving the sensations and who will be receiving them. Talk to each other about what might turn you on and what is going too far.

Soft and Sweet

S&M isn’t always about pain. Give your partner a tingly sensation with this light, luxe tantra feather teaser from Lelo. Lelo.com, $24

Make it Hot

As we all know, good sex takes time. The giver can’t jump straight into S and M play without warming up her partner first. If he is the receiver, get him aroused by pressing yourself against him, grinding on him, kissing him all over and giving him orders. Establish your control of the scenario.

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Suede Sensation

Tickle or taunt your lover with the soft yet powerful Sensua suede whip from LELO. Lelo.com, $44

Start with a Spanking

Spanking is a safe place to start with S & M. The butt and hips have nerve endings that are connected to the genitals. Each spank sends good vibrations to your fun parts. The spanker should aim for the lower, meatier area of the butt to ensure more pleasure and less pain for the spankee. Once you’ve got a good rhythm going, the giver can add some oral sex to send the receiver over the edge. Follow up ever spank with a firm squeeze. This will help relieve the burn and give the receiver deeper arousal.

Paddle Up

Spanking just got sexier with Kiki Du Montparnasse’sSpank Me Paddle. kikidm.com$195.00

Where do we go from here?

Once you’ve decided that you’re a fan of S and M, how far you take it is totally up to you and your partner. Anything from hair pulling to adding props like paddles and whips and elements of bondage — blindfolds, cuffs, restraints, etc. — are fair game. Just make sure your partner is as into it as you are and vice versa. Keep tabs on each other throughout the experience.