According to insights gathered by the team at the dating app Hinge, when it comes to what women want, 77% of Black men believe that Black women are seeking someone to support their financial needs. However, after speaking with Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, Love and Connection expert at Hinge and owner of Transcendent Therapy & Consulting, the data reveals a different story about what Black women actually desire.
Brown shared that 67% of Black women surveyed said that “effort” is more important than having a partner who makes more money. Financial compatibility is a necessity, but a partner who arranges things and therefore shows effort is vital.
“The question wasn’t, do you want someone to make exactly what you make, or something, or do you need somebody to take care of you? Black women responded, ‘No, we need effort,’” Brown says. “The last part of this data that is important to note is that Black women also told us that they really see emotional availability as a high-value trait. I feel like I’ve been hearing that from Black women for a long time, but to have the numbers to support it helps because Black women have to repeat themselves a thousand times to tell others, it’s not solely about how much money you make.”
He added, “For Black women, the most desirable partner is the person who plans or puts in the effort. I want to make this happen, where we start thinking of effort as a love language. Everybody wants effort. But we are not just talking about someone who knows how to pick a spot for the date. We are talking about a planner who picked the date spot, listened to what the woman wanted, or something about her that he used to plan the date out. Planning dates with intention is what you should be looking for.”
Knowing this, it is essential to understand what effort entails and what constitutes merely doing the bare minimum. There are situations when dating singles may believe someone is showing effort, but they’re ultimately only doing so to get their foot in the door. How can you tell the difference?
“We found that 60% of heterosexual men and 61% of Black men said that they actually feel like it’s important to plan consistent dates. So when they do this, they think they are doing everything right. They are the good guy in this scenario and feel they did everything they were supposed to do. But they didn’t actually listen to anything that the woman wanted. They just showed up, trying to perform what was good enough,” he states.
“We’ve all been given these messages about what we’re supposed to do and be. And sometimes we’re using our energy in the wrong direction. So if you’re spending all of your energy to make sure that you work those extra hours to be able to pay for the date, by the time you get to the date and you spent it on an expensive dinner, she ends up telling you, ‘I actually would have been fine with something that was cheaper and way more intentional,’” Brown adds. “When men hear that they think, ‘I did all this overtime to pay for this.’ Now he’s stressed. So, then it creates that gap. I’m cautious to say that this guy is not showing effort; it’s just not tailored to the person he’s dating. And that’s the problem. There is a problem when we make assumptions about what it means to be in a relationship, because no relationship is one-size-fits-all. And no Black woman is the same, not one Black woman.”
If you are looking for the right signs of effort in someone, Brown suggests there are two ideal scenarios: If a person plans an activity-based date, and if they show some vulnerability.
“For activity dates, I think it’s a good sign when they remember things that you’ve told them and they’re either sharing it back to you in conversation or they’re offering some gesture or gift related to that. They’re bringing it back. That shows that they’re paying attention,” he says. “So, if they plan activity dates, that’s a sign of effort. And usually, if it’s an activity that’s related to something that you share that you want, the activity date feels important. In this day and time, we’ve gotten so much information about dinner and a movie, and you keep doing the repetitive thing. An activity date is a step outside of the box. They’re sharing their creativity. They’re thinking differently.”
Regarding vulnerability, Brown said that how openness is expressed depends on the individual, but either way, it lets a potential partner know you’re invested. “If they share their feelings, their ideas about your future together, or their desires for co-creation in the relationship, they actually include you in decisions without asking you to plan, those kinds of things are effort.”
Brown believes that, along with effort, ease and rest in relationships will become increasingly necessary when approaching love and choosing long-term partners, no matter gender.
“I think Black people and Black women, especially, crave rest and ease in relationships. I think relationships that feel restful to your nervous system, that don’t keep you in fight-or-flight mode, are what I envision moving forward in dating. It requires humans to really show up and be more emotionally fluent, which is really the ability to speak from the heart,” he says.
“Lately, I believe that people often want to feel a sense of belonging in relationships earlier on. And not just we create a life, have a bunch of kids, and then eventually have belonging later,” Brown adds. “Black women have said to me that the relationships they express longing for the most are the ones that feel like home.”