Charmaine Walker Of Black Ink Crew: Chicago has so much to look forward to. The mommy-to-be is expecting a daughter with her husband Neek, and even opened up her own business. While these are all tremendous blessings, enjoying them has been less than easy.

In a sneak peek from tonight’s episode, Walker gets the call that no one ever wants to receive. Her father breaks the news that her mother Glenda has been hospitalized and that doctors are doing their best to save her life. While waiting for more updates on her mom’s condition, Walker calls Neek to ask that he come home right away. “I’m not ready for this,” she says on the phone. “My mom didn’t even get to see our baby.”

Walker tries to maintain composure for the sake of her baby, but breaks down in tears once she receives confirmation from her father that her mom passed away.

In advance of tonight’s episode, Walker remembers this fateful day as the worst moment of her life. “My mom lost 4 sisters before the age of 50 and I always had this horrible obsession with being worried about the day my mom would leave,” she shares on Instagram. “I love my mom and I feel her presence. I’m trying my best to get better but this isn’t easy. Only thing I ever wanted was for her to be a grandma. Something we looked forward to! She still is a grandma though. The best kind there could be. A guardian angel grandma.

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Worst day of my life. My mom was the absolute best! I still can’t believe she isn’t here anymore. I would hope that nothing in my future will compare to losing my mom. I literally wouldn’t be able to handle it. My mom lost 4 sisters before the age of 50 and I always had this horrible obsession with being worried about the day my mom would leave. One day I told myself that I can’t fixate on the day my mom dies, I have to enjoy her while she is here. The week before she died I kept getting flashes of my mom in a hospital and a casket. It was so freaky. I just told myself I was crazy. I got this same flash the night before she passed. We got on the phone that night and did our regular girl chat. Everything was fine! She was so excited about me approaching my 20 week ultrasound. One day while pregnant I said to myself that new life could mean someone close to me will die n something told me it was my mom. Again I’m just thinking I’m trippin. When I was in college depressed about a boy or how hard life was on my own, my mom would call me and say “something is wrong I can feel it” we were always spiritually connected! Just because she isn’t here physically that doesn’t change things. I love my mom and I feel her presence. I’m trying my best to get better but this isn’t easy. Only thing I ever wanted was for her to be a grandma. Something we looked forward to! She still is a grandma though. The best kind there could be. A guardian angel grandma. So many more things I want to say but I’ll save it for another time. I love you mom! Tomorrow will be a tough one to watch (every week has been for me) but I’m watching for my mom! Tune in for Glenda tomorrow @blackinkcrew At 8/7 cst on @Vh1 #ForeverGlenda

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Walker spoke exclusively with ESSENCE last month about what pregnancy has been like in the wake of such a major loss. “Obviously [my pregnancy] is something I wanted to share with her,” she says. “It hurts so bad that she won’t be here for this. But on the other end, I am grateful that I’m pregnant right now because I have to process her death with a sober state of mind. I can’t run to any vices to get through this. Being reminded that there’s life inside of me does bring joy.”

Catch tonight’s episode of Black Ink Crew: Chicago at 8PM ET/PT on VH1.


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