You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
Hello Dr. Sherry,
I desperately need your advice. My husband and I have been married since 2007. We dated off and on for several years prior to that. We have done many great things together over the years and we also have children together. In 2014, my husband made some bad decisions and had to do two years in prison. I stuck by him because that is what wives are supposed to do. When he was sent to the work camp three months before his release, he got in trouble with his phone and they had to send it home to me. He seemed overly nervous about the phone having to be sent home so when I received the phone I went through it. To make a long story short I found out he had been communicating with a woman from his past. It made me very angry because I felt like he should’ve been anticipating coming home to me and his family. How could he have been thinking of someone else. Then I found out he had been communicating and seeing the woman for about 2 1/2 years before he got locked up. I am having a hard time dealing with this situation. It’s one thing to cheat; but another to have what I call a relationship with someone else for that long. He claims the woman meant nothing to him, just someone he talked to from time to time. I know he has cheated on me in the past and I forgave him for it. He also had a heavy cocaine problem and while he was locked up, I stressed to him how I hated it and that he would have to stop using it. He has also broken his promise about not using cocaine anymore. As soon as he got out, he started using about a week later. I seriously regret letting him come back home to me. I feel through all of his crying and BS, he cannot be trusted. Am I wrong? What is your take on this because I think I may have to walk away.
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Your husband’s current or past behaviors do not say “trust me.” Trust is indeed a major issue that your husband has failed to earn or maintain. You are right, you can not trust him. Why should you? In fact, he is “playing ” you and has been for a while. If his phone had not been sent to you, you would not have been aware of his extramarital relationship of at least two and a half years. Any regrets on his part is only related to being caught. You had already forgiven him for cheating on you before. You forgave him for being a “heavy cocaine” user. He promised you that he would no longer use cocaine after he was released from prison. That promise was short lived! How many passes are you willing to give him? Your husband has and continue to cheat on you, been a “heavy” cocaine user, been in prison for two and a half years, and you are struggling with walking away from the marriage? It appears that you are quiet codependent and may think you can save or change him. The truth is that you can not do either!! Your husband has been doing the same things for years. He is who he is. You must decide if you are going to continue to accept who he is. Rather than being concerned about what your husband may or may not do, focus on you. I recommend you seek therapy to learn how to let go and move forward with your life. If you want something different, you must do something different. –Dr. Sherry
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