You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I am 57 years old and It has been 10 years since I’ve been in a committed relationship. I have talked to men on and off but it hasn’t led to anything serious. One of my good friends was married for 30 years and during that time she would always try to hook me up by introducing me to some guys but there has just been no real connection. She’s since gotten a divorce, moving on has been quick and relatively easy. She’s now in a happy relationship but I’m still single! I try not to be jealous but I can’t help it. I’m starting to think that something is wrong with me. I’m a good person, work hard, outgoing and I genuinely like to have fun. I’d like to think that I look decent, I dress the part and I carry myself well. I just can’t believe that I haven’t found someone and I’m in tears about it. I don’t go out looking for anybody and I haven’t tried online dating because the men are not what they say they are. Soon I will be 60 and my friend and I was talking about having a big 60th birthday party just like we did for our 50th. I refuse to be alone at my celebration like I was ten years ago while my friend has her man on her arms. What should I do?
10 Years Alone
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News Flash! I hate to be the one to break the news but I doubt seriously that anyone is coming knocking at your door looking for you to date. It just doesn’t work that way! You may indeed be a good person, work hard, out going and like to have fun. You may also look and dress decent and carry yourself well. All of that is great and fine but if you do not go out or date online, no one will ever know that you are looking for a mate. So, all those wonderful qualities will not do you much good if no one knows you are there. I am sure that it must be lonely and confusing to watch your friend have a long marriage, divorce and now happily in another relationship. Rather than being angry, jealous and asking “what’s wrong with me?,”maybe you should be asking “what is my friend doing right?”
You have decided that there is something wrong with you. There may not be anything wrong with you as a person but there is something seriously wrong with your approach and attitude towards finding a mate. You tend to draw to yourself and receive what you expect. You do not expect to find a mate because of your age and it has been 10 years since your last relationship. Given that you don’t expect to have a mate, you don’t have one. There must be a shift in your overall attitude and approach. You must be willing to make yourself available to meeting someone.
This means that you must go out where men will be with the mindset that there is someone out there for me and this could be the day. You should also consider online dating. You are right in that some people online are not who they say they are. But there are an equal number of people that you met in person who are not who they say they are. Most people initially send their represent to met you. It is important to weed through the good, bad and ugly to get to know the person. If you are ready to date, you must prepare emotionally for how things have changed since your last relationship. I would recommend that you get some honest feedback from your close friends about what you can do to improve in order to attract and approach a possible mate. You may also benefit from some honest feedback and work with a personal coach. It is important to be open to feedback regarding everything from your appearance to your conversation to your approach. You must love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you. You can be in a relationship and still be lonely and unhappy if it is not with the right person. Take control of your life and make it what you want without comparing yourself to others. Turning 60 years old does not mean that it is over or hopeless in finding a mate. You must decide that 60 is the beginning of a new you! —Dr. Sherry
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