You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
I have been married less then a year and we have only had sex three times. I tried to talk to him about it when we were dating but he only made excuses (like he’s sick because he had his gallbladder removed) I just figured it would all change when we got married, but no, it didn’t. I am 44 and my first marriage lasted 17 years. We were very sexual. I just don’t get it. He is 45 and has never been married before. He is a wonderful guy – everyone loves him and he treats my daughter and I like queens. I should be very happy. I have told him how I feel lonely and need the intimacy. He was like “okay” but nothing ever happened. I guess the icing on the cake was when he went and had his testosterone tested. He never said anything. Finally I asked about the test. He was like, “oh, it came back fine.” Really. Please help. I just don’t know what to do. Thank you.
Ok, you and your husband have only had sex three times since your marriage and no sex before your marriage? Yes, something is seriously wrong, and it did not start when you said, “I do”. The fact that he made excuses to avoid having sex is a large red flag and a sign that something was going on. Interestingly enough, your husband had his testosterone level tested. However, just saying the test results were fine would not be enough without seeing the medical report. Some men are embarrassed to discuss their loss of sexual desire. There are some couples that have a “sexless marriage,” but this is something that does not typically happen at the beginning of a marriage. Even when marriages are sexless, there tends to be some level of intimacy. Your marriage is missing both the physical and emotional intimacy. Although you have told him that your intimacy needs are not being met, he has not responded. It there is truly no medical problems, it is likely that he has not responded because you are not a priority.
Something else to think about: While he is not meeting your needs, who is meeting his needs? At the age of 45, most men are still sexually active. This is a problem that must be discussed honestly. I suggest marital therapy to process what is really going on with your husband. You deserve to have your needs met. There must be an understanding during therapy if he is capable or willing to meet your needs. This will help you clarify how you want to deal with these issues. Be honest with yourself, how long are you willing to wait to have your needs met at the age of 44? — Dr. Sherry
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