You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
I’m a 29-year-old Black women and single mom of three girls. I just recently gave birth to my third child in July, and since then life has taken its toll. Throughout this process I met a man who’s a few years younger than me. We started out as friends, but now he is mine to keep. I often get nervous and scared because of experiences with my past relationships. One of them lasted for 6 years and it didn’t end well. I try not to think about that just for piece of mind but no matter what I do, it just isn’t enough. Now my new beau and I have been official for three months and it has been like heaven for me. In this short time, I’ve grown to love this man and I’ve offered my all to keep him. He’s also done the same for me. I’m currently going through a financial bump and I’m super embarrassing that he has to witness this. I fear he may be thinking this is too much for him to handle, but I try and keep that negativity to myself to avoid stressing him out. I have three kids and he has none. I’ll be 30 soon and he’s just starting to enjoy his 20s. I love him a lot and he tells and shows me he loves me as well, but I’m just concerned that my situation will make him reconsider our relationship altogether. What would be your advice in this case? Thank you.
Please slow down and think about this. You are approaching this relationship way too fast, too soon. It sounds as if this relationship is a run away train with no brakes. Find the brakes and slow down some, okay? Listen to yourself. After only three months, this man is your “beau,” he is “yours to keep,” you “love” this man and offer “your all to keep him” and your relationship is like “heaven.” Really!? If this is heaven for you after only three months, I hear that you must have really been living in hell. Be careful sis, your quick arrival in “heaven” may have a trap door. This trap door could drop you further back and deeper into whatever you are trying to escape from in your past. You are putting all your hopes and dreams into a man you have known for a very short period of time. Don’t forget that you have three children, with one being an infant about the age of your relationship.
Your boyfriend has no children and is in his early 20s. Given that he is not the father of any of your children, what makes you believe that he is willing to or capable of playing a fatherly role in their lives? If you are willing to give your all to keep him, what does that mean in terms of you taking care of your children and being a single independent parent? What are your expectations of your new relationship? You say that you are going through an embarrassing “financial bump” and you fear he may reconsider the relationship based on that. He may, but I think he may reconsider the relationship based on you sounding desperate to be with him so soon. I think you should back up and think things through a little more without all the emotions. You are still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship and it’s too soon to know what the future will hold. Once you are over the honeymoon phase, ask yourself the tough questions regarding your needs in a relationship as a single parent.
Always look at the reality of the relationship as opposed to what you would like it to be. Your boyfriend may be everything you ever hoped but make sure you have everything together for you and your family so you can make it with or without this man. Okay? Best of luck. — Dr. Sherry
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