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If you are single, but would rather not be, I am sure you have given significant thought about why. I know what youâre thinking: Why is it that you donât have a man yet certain people around you seem to hop (sometimes effortlessly) from one relationship to another? Well, one answer is it may not be your season. For many, it is as simple as that. However, for others, itâs actually the right time but theyâre practicing the wrong behaviors and essentially standing in their own way. (Now, before you get upset with me, just listen.) Here are 10 things I have personally witnessed my single female clients and friends do that keep them single. Are you guilty too?
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There are many reasons someone may not be available to date. Is he separated or married? Perhaps he is living with his girlfriend? If you hold on to such a person, fully knowing you are shared with someone else, you illustrate the lowest form of self-love and that won't get you where you want to go.
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Many times, men will directly tell you their outlook on the relationship. Theyâll say things like, âIâm not interested in anything seriousâ or âI donât see myself being married.â If you hear anything similar, donât think youâre the one person who can and will change his perspective. Trust me, you canât; you wonât. Moreover, youâll just end up wasting your time and resources. You only have power to change yourself.
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Toxic dates are the ones who complain all the time. They are the ones who always blame you. They may always turn things around to make it someone elseâs fault. They overreact to bad events. If all of this sounds familiar, "they" could be you. Toxic people are a huge energy drain. No matter how outwardly attractive or successful someone is, toxicity just ainât sexy.
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If you truly think you are destined to live life alone or you are of the thought that Michelle Obama married the âlast good man on earth,â youâll be right. Why? Because our belief is our reality.
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My favorite question to ask prospective clients is: âHow many dates have you gone on in the last two years?â Most answer âzero.â (FYI - The average single in the U.S. has not been on one date in the last two years). Then my second question is always, âAre you happy with your number?â Most say no. My final question is always, âWhat are you doing differently to change it?â Most say ânothing.â The bottom line is that in every aspect of our life (dating included) we canât do the same old thing and expect different results.
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I have written a full chapter on this in my book. Your friends are not relationship experts. Your loved ones often give bad advice. Itâs well meaning, but awful, dating advice because they arenât objective. Plus, they arenât therapists or dating experts.
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A top dating mistake that I see my clients make often is going from casually dating someone to exclusively dating that someone within a short period of time. This is a widespread issue. In 2012, the average U.S. couple became exclusive within just five dates. This is much too soon. Why, because it takes time to observe their values and it you also donât know someone until you have witnessed them in a time of adversity.
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If you are concerned that because there are âso many womenâ vying for the man you are interested in you must âcompeteâ and do things not within your value structure (like have sex earlier than planned), stop it. The moment you bend on your boundaries is the moment you begin to bully yourself.
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Love is not selfish. Love doesnât come with strings attached. If you have to give in to get him, get out.
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Do you chase after preferences? (You know, like he must be 6-foot tall and have perfect teeth?) We all have preferences and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is when we donât secure our own needs first. These are what I call in my book, âyour relationship vitalsâ (values, personality type, non-starters, and attraction traits) and become obsessed with them opposed to whatâs on a list of frills.
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Comments, concerns or questions about my advice? Tell me about it below! Paul Carrick Brunson is a 2013 NAACP Image Award nominee and a 2012 iDate Matchmaker & Relationship Coach Of The Year nominee. His bestselling book Itâs Complicated (But It Doesnât Have to Be) is in stores now. Contact him directly on Facebook or Twitter anytime or visit his website.
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