Dr. Sherry advises when this reader who is still holding on to rekindling a 20 year romance.
You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I’m writing to ask you if you think there is a chance for me to reconcile with my daughter’s father. We dated many years ago and had a daughter together who is now 20 and in college. We have seen other people over the years and he has also been incarcerated a few times most recently with a six-year bid. He has been home for about four years now. While he was away, I met and had some assistance from someone with whom I knew there would be no future for us together because he was married. As he and I were ending things, he suddenly died.
Since my friend passed, I’ve noticed that my daughter’s father has been spending a lot of time with someone from our past. I say “our” because at the time of us being together, he was messing with the both of us unbeknownst to me. She’s married now so I don’t know why they’re still involved. I can’t help it but I just haven’t accepted the fact that he doesn’t want to be a family with our daughter and I. I feel like I’m the secret and I just can’t allow myself to ever be that to another man. Do you think I should move on and forget about him or do you think its worth trying? I’m the only one putting all the effort into trying to make it work. One thing I can say about him is, he still is the same way he was back in the day. I have a feeling that there is still hope for us. Please tell me what you think about the situation.
Feeling like the other woman again
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I am confused about why you are even wondering if it is worth trying to rekindle a relationship with a man who has never been there for you. In fact, he is still not there for you given that you are the only one trying to have a relationship. I hate to say this, but the only and best thing you have received from your ex boyfriend is your daughter. It is great that she is 20 years old and in college. It sounds as if you are trying to rekindle what you may have had together 20 years ago. That ship sailed a long time ago and you were not on it. It is likely that you were among many women that your ex boyfriend saw over the years. Yes, it is time to move on with your life. Before moving on you must look at what keeps bring you back to emotionally unavailable men. You will always be the side chick or the other women as long as you view yourself as such and accept the role. Life is too short to be second or third in anyone’s life. I recommend that you seek individual therapy to understand why you are settling for less when you really want more. —Dr. Sherry
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