You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Hello Dr. Sherry,
My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years and married for seven of those years. We have four children together who are 16, 15, 13, and 11. We have had our ups and downs but we've tried to make it work. One of those downs has been that he has been having an affair for four and half of the seven years we've been married, and he is currently living with her too. I put up with it for a very long time even to the point of giving him an ultimatum.
I recently filed for divorce and now I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. I have fought for so long for our marriage. I recently had sex with another man as well and I'm not sure why I did it but I regret it. My husband found out and now he wants to work things out but I really am not sure where to go from here. He says I lie to him a lot but it really is just I don¹t know how to express my feelings. I was never taught to express them or taught how to truly love him.
Plus, my mother has Alzheimer's and is in a home. About a year ago, I pawned the title to my truck in order to pay her medical bills because her Medicaid got cut off but that came back to bite me in the butt. I regret doing it because it just wasn't a smart thing to do.
I agree that you may not know how to express your feelings but I question you saying that you were not taught to truly love your husband. That sounds like you are accepting responsibility and making excuses for his behavior. Let me make sure I am clear. You have known your husband for 15 years, married to him for seven years, and he is currently living with a woman that he has been having an affair with for the last four and a half years. Yet, you are wondering if you knew how to truly love him. Really? Have you ever considered that he has not shown you love or known how to love you? In fact, he has been quite disrespectful of the marriage. Obviously, giving him an ultimatum didn’t work. He is still with her and you are still trying to hold on to him. It is likely that you are trying to hold on out of fear of having four children to raise and the responsibility of caring for your mother all alone. The reality is that you are alone and already taking care of everyone. His wanting to work things out after you had sex with someone else is very interesting. I highly recommend that you seek individual therapy to process your feelings and help decide what you want to do. I also highly recommend that you seek marital therapy after individual therapy if you are seriously thinking about getting back together with your husband. If you want more out of life, do not settle for less! --Dr. Sherry
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