You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Recently, I've been dating this guy who is a lot older than me. He has visited me a lot and we've gotten pretty serious, so I moved across the country to be a part of his life. He is getting a divorce and has three children.
I've met the kids but his ex now won't let me be around them because I'm a stranger. So now I am left staying home all day in a new place while he goes to work and spends time with his children. I don't know anyone here and because of his ex, I don't feel like I am part of his life. I feel hidden and alone in this new place.
All I want from him is to take us seriously as he did before I packed up my life and moved across the country to prove my commitment to our relationship.
He has become so distant from me and I have my suspicions as to why. He tells me it's just him and he doesn't know who he is anymore. He can't and won't talk to me about anything unless I'm drunk. That's the only way I can get his attention anymore. I have to go to the extreme to get noticed by him. Last night, he told me part of him misses and loves his ex. And he doesn't know what he wants. What should I do?
Relocated and alone
I really hope you bought a round-trip ticket! Unfortunately, your move across the country to be with this man was very premature. While he may have visited you and sounded serious before you moved, there was no commitment to you or the relationship. The promise of someone getting a divorce is only a promise and means nothing. Unless he has a divorce decree, he is still married and unavailable. This leaves you with being the “side chick” hoping to be evaluated while his wife calls the shots. Trying to get his attention by drinking excessively is likely to work only short term but have a long-term dangerous impact on you. Granted, you may be hurt and heartbroken about your current situation but is it worth self-destructing? Sometimes we make choices with our hearts that may not be in our best interests. This doesn’t mean you can’t make another choice to change your situation. I recommend that you seek individual therapy to process your feelings and decide how to move forward. It is clear that the man you care about is still married emotionally and legally to his wife. He has a family and does not appear to be planning to leave them. If you want more and don’t want to remain a side chick, don’t accept that role. It is time to move on and count what happened as a lesson learned. --Dr. Sherry
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