Ask Dr. Sherry: 'I Found A Video Of My Husband Having Sex With Our Neighbor In Our Bed, But I Want To Save My Marriage'

Dr. Sherry Jun, 01, 2018

You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…

Dr. Sherry, 

I have been married for 3 years now. We have two kids, a daughter together and his son from a previous relationship. My husband and I have been separated for an entire year. He recently came back into my life after I left him and decided that I wanted a divorce but I need to tell you why. 

Throughout our marriage, he has cheated on me on 3 heartbreaking occasions.

Once, I found a video he posted on a site of him having sex with a neighbor in our bed. I’ve also found him in the bed with another woman when they were both sleeping. Lately, I have been contacted by a woman who claims to be currently having sex with my husband on a daily basis. Yes, this sounds like a lot to take in but there have been more women he has cheated on me with emotionally and probably more that he has cheated on me with sexually that I would never know about. It’s definitely been a heartbreaking and extremely hard time for me to deal with. 

During our separation, I filed for divorce but I have put it off since we’ve been separated. Nothing has been finalized because I was having a hard time letting go. While being separated, we both were involved with other people but for the last three months, we have decided to work on our marriage again. Recently, he told me that he feels like nothing is the same anymore and thinks we should go through with the divorce. He can’t stand the fact I’ve been with other men. He claims that I have trust issues and who wouldn’t?! I have my reasons. Needless to say, I’m having a hard time with why he wants a divorce and I understand why its probably best but I decided to try this again and work it out for a reason–and that’s not to work at our marriage only to turn around get a divorce. I am not sure what to do at this point. I know it’s probably best to move on after everything that has transpired through our marriage but I guess I just really want to know why he wants a divorce.

Is it because he has a desire to be with someone else? Is it because he enjoyed that lifestyle of being single while separated for a year and he just doesn’t see his family in it anymore? What really is the reason?
Sincerely,

A Curious, Frustrated, Stressed-Out Wife

Hey sis, 

There are both legal and emotional marriages and divorces. Your husband never appeared to be emotionally married to you. So, his desire for a divorce is only making it legal. Let me make sure I understand. You found your husband in a porn video online with your neighbor, found him in bed with another woman, and there is a woman calling you to tell you about her sex life with him. These are only the women you are clear he has cheated with but you are certain there are others within your 3 years of marriage. Yet, you still want to be married to him because he decided he wants a divorce after you changed your mind about wanting a divorce and wanted to work on the marriage. Does it really matter why he wants a divorce given that he has not been committed to this marriage? Your husband has shown you who he is from the beginning of your marriage. For whatever reason, you are having a hard time believing him. The issue is not with your husband, it is with you and your difficulty letting go. You made a choice not to follow through with a divorce while you were separated. Now you seem surprised that he blames you for having issues with trust. His “ reason” for wanting a divorce is totally irrelevant and will not change a thing in his lack of respect for the marriage or you as his wife. I recommend that you seek individual therapy to process your feelings and gain an understanding of why you want to hold on to someone who does want you. You may never know your husband’s true reason for wanting a divorce at this time but maybe it is more important for you to know your reason for holding on.–Dr. Sherry

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