For many women, menopause can feel like your body is betraying you. One day everything’s business as usual, and the next you’re dealing with hot flashes, mood swings, and a lowered libido that makes you not even want to be touched by your partner. Vaginal dryness, a low sex drive, and even changes in body image can make intimacy challenging. But here’s the truth: menopause doesn’t have to mean pleasure goes out the window. The key is to get educated about what menopause really is and what your body needs to adapt to the changes.
For the record: “[Women are] perimenopausal until they have been without a period for one full year,” says Tosha Rogers, DO, of Atlanta Premier OB/GYN Associates. “Once you reach that one-year mark, that is menopause. Once you reach that day, you should never, ever see a period again. The day after that, you become postmenopausal. If you ever see a period during post menopause, it is endometrial cancer until proven otherwise.”
Understanding the Shift
For Black women, symptoms often appear earlier and more severe. “It’s because of lifestyle,” says Rogers. “[Much of] our population is obese. Obesity worsens everything, and I mean everything. So the reality is, yes, we’re seeing women in their early to mid-forties starting to experience what we call menopausal syndrome. [Black women] are experiencing menopausal syndrome earlier and worse than even their mothers did.”
So how does this affect us in the bedroom? Well, intimacy can sometimes take a hit if the symptoms aren’t being managed. During menopause, estrogen levels drop, which can lead to dryness, thinning of vaginal tissue, and even discomfort during sex. Don’t ignore your body. If sex has become painful, that’s your cue to speak up—both to your doctor and your partner. “It really [causes] a lot of social issues for women if they don’t get it addressed,” says Rogers.
The Pleasure Principle
The great thing is that we don’t have to suffer in silence. Rogers believes that treating the whole woman, and not just the symptoms, is the key to regaining control of your sex life at every stage of menopause. Hormone therapy is often an effective option for menopausal women who are experiencing these uncomfortable symptoms due to the diminishing levels of ovarian hormones. Conventional hormone therapy can be administered through creams, skin patches, and pills. They work by replenishing hormones like estrogen and sometimes progesterone, which alleviates common occurrences of hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, brain fog, and vaginal dryness.
Rogers prefers bioidentical treatment, which she claims not only addresses vaginal dryness but also corrects low libido. “Bioidenticals are like hormone pellets,” she explains. “We embed them in the fat in your butt cheek. You do it two to four times a year. Sometimes [it contains] estrogen, and sometimes progesterone. But it always contains testosterone. We draw your blood and we see where you’re deficient. So people [ask], ‘am I going to grow a beard?’ No, we’re just replacing what you’re missing.” She says bioidentical therapy has seen the highest uptick in positive results for her clients, who report better sleep, a more positive mood, and that they start to feel like “sex vixens” almost overnight.
If you’re looking for a little assistance in the lubrication department, Rogers suggests Wet Kitty: an odorless, colorless, and tasteless lubricant that is designed to mimic a woman’s natural vaginal secretions and doesn’t upset the PH.
And it doesn’t stop at lube: intimacy is about your pleasure as well as your partner’s. So, looking for ways to feel sexy outside of penetration is key, too. “Look to stimulate pleasure around your five senses, whether it’s with a partner or without,” suggests sex educator Tanya Bass, PhD. “[For example] I love to lather up in some good-smelling lotion. I just want my body to be moisturized, but also enjoy the scent and how it feels. Have conversations around non-penetrative, pleasurable activities, including body movement and dancing. [It’s a moment to] be proud of your body and all that it does.”
Erase the Shame
Menopause is a perfect time to expand your definition of intimacy, and that means removing the shame from having open and honest conversations. If you have a partner or are on the dating scene, let them in on your journey and what you’re going through. Talk about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you’d like to try. Communication builds trust—and that makes everything hotter.
Patrice Lockhart, certified menopause health and wellness coach and author of the book Menopause As Metamorphosis, calls the sunny Bahamas home. She says shame around menopause is especially prevalent in Caribbean culture. “Privacy is a big thing here,” she says. “When you talk about menopause and about sex, it’s hush-hush. You don’t talk too loud about those things. Women in our country suffer in silence because they don’t want anybody to know their business. And because [our elders] didn’t pass on the information, there’s been a legacy of secrecy and embarrassment.”
During her 1:1 coaching sessions, Lockhart regularly meets with clients who say they don’t feel like a woman anymore. “Isolation is big for women because they really question their self-worth during this time.” But isolation does more harm than good. Being honest with your family, friends, partners, and community about your symptoms strengthens trust and builds better relationships. “Anxiety tends to increase with perimenopause and menopause as well,” says Bass. “So find ways to communicate that you’re feeling anxious but also tap into resources and tools to help you manage the anxiety as well. Open, honest, clear, and consistent communication, not only with just partners, but other members of your family, will help you to not feel so alone.”
You might also be surprised to know that women aren’t the only ones who go through the change. According to Rogers, men experience something called andropause, where they deal with fatigue, agitation, metabolism changes, and a loss of muscle mass. She says it’s all the more reason women should be upfront and honest about the changes their bodies are going through while encouraging the same vulnerability from their men in return. “We’re all in the same boat,” she says. “It’s like you don’t want to break down to him that you’re having hot flashes and that you don’t want to have sex, but you’re willing to accept that his erection is poor and it goes away quickly.”
Bottom Line
Menopause doesn’t have to be the end of good sex—it can be the start of better, more intentional intimacy. This chapter of your life is about slowing down, tuning in, and giving yourself permission to explore. If you’re experiencing symptoms that have led to a lackluster sex life, talk to your doctor or gynecologist about what treatments and therapies may be right for you. Your body is changing, yes, but it’s still yours. And it’s still capable of pleasure, connection, and a whole lot of satisfaction.