We’ve all heard the saying, “Everyone can’t come with you,” and depending on the circumstances, it very well may be true. As our society becomes increasingly immersed in the digital age, manners and etiquette have been thrown out the proverbial window, along with social cues at in-person events.
Now, a viral TikTok trend called the +1 theory highlights the frustration many have felt about bringing their friends to an event, only to have the experience fall short of expectations, at best, and potentially lead to complete embarrassment, damaging their professional and personal reputation, at worst. I’ve been there before and had to make an executive decision not to invite that friend to any more industry events due to their behavior. TikTok’s +1 theory taps into a widely relatable conversation about hosting, inclusion, and how people present themselves in shared spaces.
Whether it’s a work event, wedding, or dinner party, your guest or plus-one can make or break the entire experience. Tonna Obaze, an entrepreneur, investor & advisor who focuses on helping underserved communities discover their potential and pursue their purpose, recently shared her framework — The +1 Theory — in a TikTok video essay breaking down this dynamic. She says that when it comes to selecting a +1 — everyone is either a +1, a -1, or a zero — and cautions her audience to choose wisely moving forward.
As founder & CEO of Tonna&Co — an impact advisory firm empowering purpose-driven organizations through strategy consulting, executive coaching, and event production, she’s well-versed on this topic as she deals with everyday social dynamics — across both personal and professional spaces — and understands how they reflect larger themes around relationships, access, and community.
She developed the theory based on her nuanced social experiences in New York City. “So the plus-one theory is something that came out of my life. It’s a conversation I’ve been having with friends for the last two to three years, especially since I entered the venture capital industry. I started going to a lot of events for work, but also living in New York, I started to push myself around my mid-20s to what I call take control of my free will, meaning, to find things that I was excited about, events that I like to go to,” she told ESSENCE. “One of the things that I realized when I was in these spaces, trying new experiences out in the world, is that a lot of your experiences that you have can be impacted by who you’re with. And I think that there’s a lot of conversation around that that happens with solo traveling versus traveling with a group.”
And, we’ve all heard of those horrifying Miami girls’ trips. Obaze had a similar negative experience on a trip abroad with a girlfriend that shifted her perspective on plus-one invites moving forward. “I went to Paris for the first time, went to Versailles, and the person that I was with wasn’t interested in history, didn’t want to stay as long. And it did impact my experience. And from that point forward, whether it was in my personal life, as I think of events that I go to, whether it’s with my hobbies and as I started growing my work portfolio and getting invited to different events in the fashion space, in the art space, in the sports and luxury space, more and more often, this feeling and this question started coming up around, let me be intentional about who I’m bringing into these spaces and whether I would prefer the experience if I went by myself. I love access to equity, bringing new people with me, getting into new places, and holding the door open for someone else, but in some cases, it may not be appropriate,” she stated.
These questions, sparked from reflection and rooted in intentionality, allowed her to formulate the plus-one theory. She noticed that when she attended an event, if she brought someone with her who genuinely was also engaged and cared about the topic and what they were doing, they ended up having a better experience than she would have had by herself. However, on the other hand, if she ended up bringing someone with her, it could be to a wedding, a dinner, a fine dining experience, or a museum, they wouldn’t be as engaged in the experience, and she would end up leaving, more sad and downtrodden than when she started. “This made me take a step back to be intentional about where I go whenever I’m somewhere. Time is of the essence. Time is finite; we don’t have a lot of time on this earth. So, whenever I do something, I’m intentional about the experience I’m trying to curate for myself to drive my happiness,” she shared.
So, the +1 theory means that for any event, for any time that you’re going somewhere and you’re allowed to have a plus one, everybody falls into the bucket of being a plus one, a zero, or a minus one. A desired plus one is someone you’re going to bring to the event with you, and they’ll enhance the experience. For example, if you’re going on a road trip and have a true plus one, they’ll help you figure out the math, create the playlist, and bring the snacks. They’re getting something through the experience that’s ultimately going to make your time better than if you were there alone. Another good example is that if you’re going to a work event, a good plus-one is someone you don’t have to babysit. There’s someone who’ll be able to navigate the room on your own. They’ll also check in on you to see if you need anything. Another great plus-one for a wedding is somebody they may not know, but they’re not going to make it awkward.
Her advice for considering bringing a plus-one in the future? It’s up to us to be gracious with an invitation.
Here are Obaze’s three rules that everyone needs to follow when considering inviting a plus-one.
- You have to give them all the details of the situation that you have.
- Please provide them with any necessary context. Not every situation requires context.
- Lastly, when inviting people, consider their experience as well; that should be the primary factor in deciding whether to ask them or not. Being a reasonable person in a relationship and as a friend involves considering what people enjoy doing in life, such as activities that bring them joy and fulfillment. Ultimately, you want to be in a situation where it’s a true plus one, where you’re inviting someone to something they would also like to attend.