Nelly and Ashanti’s new reality TV show has aired and already has fans talking. On the show, titled Nelly and Ashanti: We Belong Together, the married couple had a difficult conversation about parenting. While the two were eating a meal, Ashanti explained that she was overwhelmed with caring for their son Kareem Kenkaide Haynes and doesn’t understand why Nelly isn’t more hands on.
“It’s just with the baby it’s a lot,” said Ashanti during their conversation.
“Well listen, it’s all you I ain’t even gonna lie. You know, I ain’t got nothing for him,” Nelly replied, referring to baby KK.
“I’m trying to understand how is it that you sleep through when he starts crying?” Ashanti asked.
“Do y’all really be up at night? I heard about it,” the rapper said l, before adding that he doesn’t hear them and joking that “it’s a gift” that he can sleep through the crying.
“I’m going to take you back to this conversation we had before you kicked me under the table. I told you, “baby I’ll give you the world. I just ain’t changing no diaper,’” the 50-year-old rapper concluded.
During another clip from the show of the rapper chatting with Jermaine Dupri and some other friends he discussed his parenting style. Nelly explained that until his son could talk and share his needs, the caretaking was on Ashanti.
“Once he get to walking and talking, he with the crew,” Nelly added in the clip.
While many women were up in arms about Nelly’s stance in blog post comment sections, I have an unpopular opinion on the matter. Nelly can’t be blamed entirely for his stance since he was honest about it from the get go. If someone says they’re not willing to help with a baby until they reach a certain level of independence and you choose to move forward and have a child with them, it’s assumed that you’re ok with it.
Sometimes, we go into relationships knowing we have conflicting values with someone but hoping the other person will change over time. When those values or behaviors don’t change, it often leads to resentment. However, it’s our responsibility to believe what people tell us and be honest about whether we can deal with that long term or not. Love and relationships are primarily built on acceptance and healthy boundaries, not control.
I speak from experience. My ex was honest about his values around gender roles and parenting before we got married. He was more of a traditional man who believed women should single handedly take care of the children and household while I believed both people should split household responsibilities. I hoped that if I loved my ex enough and was patient, some of those values would change and he would help out more. That didn’t happen and I became increasingly frustrated and resentful. Eventually, I left that relationship because neither of us should have to change our core values to be with one another.
Part of healing from that relationship was taking responsibility for the role I played in my own suffering; I ignored a fundamental issue—our values weren’t aligned in core areas and this made us incompatible. Instead of leaving when I came to that realization, I stayed and tried to change him to my own detriment.
It sounds like Nelly and Ashanti already had conversations about how they world approach parenting and the division of labor regarding their son. Considering Nelly already has four children, this isn’t his first rodeo and he knows what goes into raising kids. He’s also likely aware of his strengths and weaknesses as a parent, which is why he made it clear that he wasn’t interested in changing diapers or sleepless nights. On the other hand, Ashanti is a first-time mother and you can never be fully prepared for that experience. It’s possible she assumed she could handle the early stages of motherhood alongside a nanny. Or perhaps she thought Nelly would change his stance on changing diapers and staying up to care for their son. Either way, the rapper stood on business and now the singer is overwhelmed and frustrated. Sis has the right to feel frustrated, but she should also manage her expectations, because Nelly was honest about his boundaries around caretaking. Hopefully, this isn’t an issue that causes a wedge in their relationship and they can find a healthy middle.
In a perfect world, both parents would split caretaking responsibilities equally, but that isn’t how it always pans out. We also have to understand every household looks different and some women may be ok with caring for a baby alongside nannies while their partner sleeps through crying. Relationships aren’t always 50/50 either—at times one partner may carry more weight than the other, and that extends to parenting too. It may be the case that when baby KK is older, Nelly takes on more of the parenting tasks than Ashanti does and things naturally balance out.
Ultimately, this situation is a reminder to accept people as they are as opposed to how you hope they will be. If someone is honest about having values that conflict with yours and you choose to be in relationship with them, it’s unfair to crucify them for that later. Also, the answer isn’t always to leave when you find yourself at odds with your partner and can’t find a middle ground. Nelly may not be willing to compromise, so it may just take some acceptance on Ashanti’s part. As someone who’s been both a married single mom and divorced single mom, having nannies for the first few years don’t sound like a terrible compromise.