While we’re deep in the throes of summer, some of us are thinking ahead to “cuffing season,” which typically falls in the fall and winter months, and is perfect timing for a committed relationship. However, the first step to getting there is to actively and openly date. But what if you’re afraid of dating again due to past hurts, disappointments, and traumas?
According to dating expert and coach Tennesha Wood, many daters often label themselves as picky or even overly cautious, but caution and pickiness are usually rooted in fear. The fear of getting hurt could ultimately sabotage your hope for partnership and connection. She gives us examples of how you might’ve been afraid to date, below:
- You always find something wrong: he’s too short, he texts back too slowly, or he uses too many emojis. There is always a reason to say no.
- Your dating outlook is often pessimistic: you say things like, “All the good ones are taken,” or “What’s the point? I’d rather be home in bed,” but deep down, you fear hurt and rejection.
- You have a self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect perfection but never actually give enough time or trust for anyone to meet your needs, so they can’t and don’t, which keeps you in your shell.
- You have a vision of true love and companionship, but often write it off as luck or settling when you see a happy couple, making it feel unattainable.
- Vulnerability feels like the ultimate risk: you refuse to open up and let anyone see your true self because it helps you feel in control.
Viral dating coach and sensation Anwar White shares a similar perspective and sentiment, but also attributes the fear of dating to the ever-changing digital landscape. “Listen, there are a million and one reasons why people are terrified to jump back into the dating pool after taking a break. Firstly, the dating landscape has undergone a complete shift. The game pre-pandemic versus post-pandemic? Different universes. Even just in the last two to three years, everything – the methods, the energy, the whole vibe around dating – has been flipped upside down. All this change creates significant anxiety because nobody likes stepping into the unknown, especially when your heart is on the line. Here’s how to overcome those fears,” he states.
Dating and relationship expert, Beverley Andre, provides the following signs that someone may be afraid of dating:
- They don’t believe there are good enough options that compare to their ideal partner
- They avoid dating altogether because they can’t control the entire process
- They would rather analyze relationships than experience one firsthand
- They feel intense pressure to get it right, which leads to analysis paralysis
If you’re looking to get out of your shell or refresh your dating routines, consider doing the following, according to Andre, Wood and White:
Andre:
- Practice dating with a trusted friend by discussing different interests, becoming comfortable sharing about yourself, and asking thoughtful questions.
- Attend a group event, such as a game night or a connection mixer, where people bring a single friend who’s emotionally available and open to meeting someone new
- Join a co‑ed activity or class, such as a dance class, where you can meet new people in a space that feels relaxed and less performative.
- Take yourself on a solo date, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, as a way to build confidence and create opportunities for organic connection.
- If you’re going on a real date and feeling nervous, ask a friend to hang out nearby so you feel supported and have someone to check in with afterward.
Wood: Staying guarded might feel like the safest space, but the fear is keeping you stuck. Partnership can only form when you move from protection to connection and become open to trying something new.
- Start from a place of love, not fear. Fear says, “I could get hurt.” Love says, “This could be the start of something great.”
- Understand that vulnerability is a strength. Love requires risk. Start by sharing honest parts of yourself.
- Shorten your checklist. Maintain your values high, but remain flexible with your preferences. A partner is a person, not a checklist.
- Give people a real chance. Focus on how they treat you and observe their patterns. Don’t base your decisions on one-off behaviors.
- Date outside of your type. If your specific type has brought you disappointment in the past, be open and try something new.
Being open to love also means being open to hurt, but when the right one comes along, it makes it all worth it.
White:
Start Where You Feel Safe, Then Branch Out: Look, if traditional dating methods worked for you before—meeting through friends, church, community events, or even that cute bartender at your favorite spot—those doors are still wide open! But here’s where I’m going to challenge you: if you want to shake things up, you NEED to explore online dating. We’re talking about 60% of relationships starting online now, which means you’re missing out on the most enormous pool of potential partners if you’re not swiping. It’s like trying to catch fish in a puddle when there’s an entire ocean waiting for you.
Get That Confidence Boost You Deserve: One of the biggest fears I see, especially with my clients who are re-entering after divorce, or who haven’t had much dating experience, or even those with less sexual experience who think nobody will want them. The fear is “Will anyone actually be interested in ME?” OMG, they totally will! Let me tell you something: create that online profile RIGHT NOW. You don’t even have to respond to anyone at first. Just let that profile sit there for 72 hours and watch what happens. I guarantee you’ll receive a flood of messages, likes, and hearts. That instant validation? That’s your confidence booster shot, girl! It’s proof that people are out here checking for you, wanting to get to know you.
Flip Your Script on Rejection: Some of y’all are scared of getting your feelings hurt, and I get it. But here’s the tea I’ve been serving for 15 years as a dating coach: rejection is redirection, period! About 97% of the people you talk to won’t even make it to a third date with you – and that’s NORMAL. So why are you putting all this pressure on every single interaction? Enter dating with the mindset of having fun. This is practice, this is for the plot, this is your chance to flirt and connect without all that heavy “is he the one?” energy. When you release that pressure, dating becomes exciting instead of terrifying.
Here’s how to break out of your shell and release those toxic and tired patterns:
Date Outside Your Type (Yes, Really!): I’m not trying to scare anybody, but I am trying to expand your horizons! When you open yourself up to someone who’s not your usual type – different race, age, personality, whatever – you create space for magic to happen. That quiet accountant might rock your world in ways that smooth-talking player with all the swag never could. Don’t sleep on unexpected connections!
Practice Vulnerability (Your Secret Superpower): Vulnerability is your weapon of mass attraction, honey! Start small – share your actual feelings on dates, not just surface-level facts. Instead of “I work in marketing,” try “I’m actually nervous because I haven’t dated in two years, but I’m excited to meet new people.” This does two things: it creates a genuine connection, and it immediately weeds out the emotionally unavailable men. If he can’t handle your authentic self, he’s not your person anyway.
Get Your Butt Outside: Since the pandemic, too many of us have been living like hermits, working from home and socializing from home. STOP turning down invitations! That party you don’t feel like going to? GO. That wedding you’re thinking of skipping? Don’t you dare! Being social naturally boosts your confidence, and confidence is EVERYTHING in dating. You never know who you might meet when you step outside your comfort zone.
Date Multiple People (Olympic Dating Style): I call this “Olympic dating” – aim for your gold, silver, and bronze medalists! You are NOT auditioning for a one-person show. Dating multiple people respectfully keeps you from putting all your eggs in one basket and over-investing in someone who hasn’t proven themselves worthy yet. When you have options (and don’t lose yourself), you stay safe and operate from an abundance mindset, rather than a scarcity mindset, and that energy is magnetic.
Learn to Receive Like the Queen You Are: This is especially for my beautiful Black women who have been conditioned to be strong and independent to a fault. Girl, let him initiate those calls and texts. Let him open doors, buy drinks, and plan dates. Practice leaning into your feminine energy so you can attract men who are in their masculine energy. We want a partner who wants to care for and support you, so stop being so independent that you push away good men and good intentions and attract feminized and 50/50 men..
Invest in Professional Support: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by dating fears or keep attracting the same type of situationships, consider seeking professional help. Whether that’s working with a dating coach (like moi) or therapy, think of it as an investment in your love life because you are absolutely worth it, girl.
Additional dating tips from Nikquan Lewis:
Ask yourself: Do I know what I want in a healthy relationship?
If you haven’t defined your values, morals, and what matters to you, you’ll continue to choose based on what’s familiar, and that’s not always healthy. Before starting the dating process, it’s essential to get clear on the character traits you desire, the type of love you deserve, and the version of you that healthy love should meet.
Stop entertaining people you’re not even interested in.
Dating out of loneliness keeps you stuck in patterns that drain you. Start choosing people based on connection and alignment, not just convenience. That’s how you interrupt unhealthy patterns.
Get clear on what healthy love looks and feels like.
Write it down. Visualize it. Use it as your compass. If you’ve only known love that came with confusion or pain, your nervous system might confuse calm for boring. Teach it a new lesson.
Try a ‘yes’ you’d normally say no to.
Go to the event. Smile back. Download the app (and actually use it). You’re not committing to a person, you’re saying yes to new connections in your life.
Bring all of you to the table, awkward, sexy, spiritual, silly, all of it.
Performing is exhausting, masks are heavy, and they mess up your makeup. Know that you can’t attract the right person while being someone you’re not; this gets in the way of alignment. Take up space in your dating life the same way you’re hopefully doing so in every other area.
Process your patterns with someone trained to help and learn tools to help.
A licensed therapist is a great resource to help you unpack years of relational trauma or avoidance on your own. A book like “When Trauma Is Your Author” can help you start reclaiming your story with healing and pleasure at the center. Support isn’t weakness, it’s strength and we all could benefit from it.
Reclaim dating as a form of self-discovery, not just partnership.
Dating can teach you even more about your values, your needs, and your voice if you let it. You don’t have to wait until you’re in a relationship to start loving how you show up in one.
Dating while scared is like trying to drive with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. You’re not getting anywhere at all, just stuck.
We deserve a love that flows, not one we have to brace ourselves for. That starts with understanding ourselves more and choosing differently, one honest, brave, and informed decision at a time.