Although we hope your summer has been entertaining and fruitful, some of us might find it challenging to rediscover our libido, as there’s so much to do and experience before the summer ends. According to sex expert Nikquan Lewis, it’s not uncommon for libidos to decrease due to multiple responsibilities. “If your libido’s been MIA, you’re not alone. Life be life-ing! Between stress, shame, emotional disconnection, the current state of the world being challenging, and just plain exhaustion, desire can come and go. But here’s the truth: low desire doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body and your relationship might be asking for attention,” she says. Here’s how to start reconnecting with your body and pleasure, according to Lewis:
1. Stop waiting for desire to appear magically.
Spontaneous desire is that “the wind could blow and I’m ready” type of frisky that a lot of us had in our 20s. It just showed up, no warm-up needed. Responsive desire is different, not worse, just different. It requires a stimulus. Maybe it’s a good ol’ Zane book, a sexy playlist, a sensual touch, or just being around someone who makes you feel seen. It kicks in after you’re already engaged. So if sex isn’t “just happening” anymore, that’s not necessarily a problem; it may just be a shift in what you need to get turned on. You don’t need to feel broken. You need to feel stimulated and informed. Share this with your partner so that you both are on the same page sexually.
2. Schedule pleasure like you schedule everything else.
If you’re waiting for a perfect moment, you may be waiting for a long time. Life is loud. You have to prioritize what matters, so make space for your pleasure, even if it’s 20 minutes of solo time or a sensual check-in with your partner. Your body deserves your attention, not just your labor.
3. Have your hormones been checked?
If your libido has taken a dip, rule out physical causes first. Hormonal shifts (from stress, pregnancy, PCOS, perimenopause/menopause, chronic health issues, thyroid issues, or even birth control, etc) can throw your libido off. Advocate for yourself and ask your doctor to check your hormone levels and develop a treatment plan.
4. Know what’s in your medicine cabinet.
Antidepressants, blood pressure meds, antihistamines, and again, birth control can impact libido. If something feels “off,” please don’t suffer in silence; talk to your doctor about side effects and possible alternatives.
5. Feed your body what turns it on.
Yep, food matters. Add aphrodisiacs like apples, avocados, beets, dark chocolate, strawberries, and oysters to your routine. They boost circulation, reduce inflammation, and signal to your brain and body that pleasure is welcome here.
6. Move your body and get that blood flowing.
Exercise increases circulation, boosts confidence, and improves mood, which supports libido. A trip to the gym, a walk, a slow stretch, and a dance break in your living room work wonders.
7. Prioritize sleep, Sis. Your sex life depends on it.
Lack of sleep disrupts your hormones, depletes your energy, and can affect your mood. You can’t feel sexy if you’re running on fumes. Rest isn’t a luxury, it’s a requirement for pleasure.
8. Stop performing and start feeling.
Being in your head leads straight to performance anxiety, and that’s a libido killer. If you’re focused on looking perfect, doing it “right”, or only concerned about your partner’s pleasure, you disconnect from the moment. A healthy libido requires you to be present, not feel pressured. Get out of your head and into your body.
9. Make foreplay the main course.
Foreplay shouldn’t just be a warm-up; it should be an integral part of the whole experience. Communicating throughout the day, flirting, touching, teasing, eye contact, and slow build-up help the body feel safe, aroused, and seen. Rushing to penetration is a one-way ticket to frustration.
10. Protect the connection between your partner outside the bedroom as well.
If you and your partner are barely talking or walking on eggshells, don’t expect the sex to be fabulous. Desire doesn’t live where disconnection does. Good sex starts outside the bedroom; with real intimacy, emotional safety, and a partner who knows how to touch your body and your mind.
11. Enjoy solo play.
Some masturbation can be healthy for everyone. It’s not just about the orgasm; it’s about learning your body and reclaiming your pleasure. Use your hands. Use toys. Use whatever reminds you that you deserve pleasure and that you don’t have to wait for anyone to give it to you.
12. Let shame go; it doesn’t belong to you.
If you were raised to believe that wanting sex makes you “fast” or “wrong,” you’ve got unlearning and reauthoring to do. Shame is loud, but it doesn’t get to lead your story anymore. You are allowed to want more, without guilt.
Additional ways to boost your libido from Dr. Nikki Coleman:
1. Make sure you understand the difference between libido and arousal. Libido is your overall sense of desire for sex, and arousal is the physical sensations in your body that occur when you are feeling sexual.
2. Are you a person who experiences spontaneous desire or responsive desire? If you have a responsive desire, you will need to be more intentional about creating ways to spark your libido.
3. Get curious about all the things that turn you on and maximize those. Also, get curious about all the things that turn you off and minimize those!
4. Expand your definition of foreplay. Those things that turn you on should be intentionally prioritized in your daily life to help stimulate your libido and build your desire.
5. Communicate with your partner outside of the bedroom about what you like and need to build your desire. Make it a team effort to keep the heat on!
6. Be gentle with yourself when your libido changes over time. Women’s bodies and hormones fluctuate over our lifetime, and that impacts our libidos. Our libidos are also vulnerable to our overall mental health, life stressors, and the sense of intimacy in our relationships. If you notice significant shifts in your libido, approach them with curiosity rather than criticism.
7. Focus on pleasure! Women who have pleasurable sexual experiences want to have more enjoyable experiences! So, if you’re going to have more sex, focus on having good sex first!
Your desire may not be gone; it might be misplaced under the weight of life, disconnection, and conditioning. Know that you’re not broken. You’re human. With the proper support, intention, curiosity, and effort, you can reconnect with your body and rediscover your pleasure.