Cue Jazmine Sullivan’s song, “Bodies,” specifically these lyrics: I keep on pilin’ up bodies on bodies on bodies. Yeah, you gettin’ sloppy, girl, to introduce this next topic. Is there such a thing as having too many bodies (sexual partners)? I don’t think so, but many people in our community believe otherwise; even though their opinions aren’t necessarily rooted in prioritizing sexual wellness but are more centered in respectability politics and religious beliefs that still dominate today’s zeitgeist.
Take, for instance, popular rapper and entertainer Latto. Despite her raunchy lyrics and public persona, in a recent interview with Speedy Morman of Complex, she stated, “Be a boss. Don’t let everyone put their hand in your cookie jar.” Implying that women should be selective regarding their sexual partners but to challenge her statement, Why should they, as long as they are being careful sexually by using protection? Why does it matter?
According to sex researcher and expert Dr. Candice Hargons, the body count conversation has kept Black women in an unnecessary chokehold. This imaginary body count number, often weaponized to shame and judge, particularly Black women, reveals more about gendered societal hang-ups than it does about an individual’s worth or health. In her and another respected sex researcher, Shemeka Thorpe’s “Big Sex Study,” with a survey of over 400 Black people, the average number of lifetime sexual partners was 22, with a range from 0 to 300. “However, Black women face immense pressure to misreport this number due to deeply ingrained, sexist stereotypes that brand them as undesirable or unfit for romantic commitment or marriage if they’re perceived as having too many partners,” Hargons states.
We’ve also heard the saying that’s ingrained in pop culture, “You can’t turn a ho into a housewife,” which confirms this belief. The issue with this saying and viewpoint is that the scrutiny rarely touches Black men conveniently. “Most of our religious teachings give women the impression that if they are modest, they will earn a good husband. That is why some women become upset when they see women who have not lived up to that partnered with someone they believe is a good man. Beyond individual judgment, body count often gets tangled in “respectability politics” for Black people. Many Black women, fear confirming racist stereotypes that have historically painted them as hypersexual. It’s an unfair burden to carry, and it can prevent Black women from having the sex lives they desire,” Hargons says.
Her stance is clear. The number of sexual partners does not directly equal STI risk or mean that you’re loose. Instead, she urges us to center safe sex practices. “You can have one partner and be at risk because you use condoms inconsistently, or multiple partners and be incredibly safe by exclusively using condoms. It comes down to using appropriate protection rather than the number of partners. Ultimately, body count is just another tool to rank our worthiness,” she says.
Hargons continues, “A person with two partners or 200 partners is equally deserving of love, respect, and care. Our value isn’t, and shouldn’t be, determined by our sexual history. Your sexual choices are yours. There is nothing wrong with not having sex if that is your preference. But judging others based on the standards you set for yourself? That’s where the conversation about body count becomes deeply problematic. It’s time for more empathy and less judgment.”
Judgment, according to sexologist Dr. Shamyra Howard, seems to be at the root of the question, “What’s your body count?” as she agrees with Hargons. “When people ask about “body count,” they’re rarely asking out of curiosity; they’re often seeking comfort, control, or comparison. Sometimes it’s about insecurity. Other times, it’s a subtle attempt to assign value, especially to women, femmes, or queer folks. It’s a culturally loaded question dressed up as small talk, and in many cases, it’s laced with patriarchy, shame, and a double standard,” Howard says.
She continues, “Clinically speaking, the number of sexual partners someone has had tells you almost nothing about their sexual health, emotional intelligence, or intimacy skills. The science doesn’t support the idea that more partners equals less worth or ability to connect. What actually matters are a person’s sexual health practices, communication, consent, sexual values, emotional safety, and whether each person is prioritizing honesty and care in the relationship.”
So, does body count matter? Only if you’re still trying to shame people for living in bodies designed to feel, connect, and, yes, explore. As Howard suggests, we deserve better and more nuanced questions. Ones that tell us who someone is and how they love. Not how many people they’ve been with.
- So, instead of asking, “How many people have you been with?” Howard suggests asking questions that actually matter and build connection, like:
- What does a satisfying sexual relationship look like to you?” “How do you prioritize your sexual health?
- What have you learned about yourself from past relationships?” “What kind of intimacy feels most meaningful to you?
- How do you typically establish trust with a new partner?
- These are the kinds of questions that tell you who someone is, not just what they’ve done.