According to recent data, missionary isn’t the only sexual position that Black women are interested in indulging in within the bedroom.
Dr. Candice Hargons, sex reseearch, conducted the SEX FUN study, which surveyed 558 Black women and their romantic partners and found that 7.9% said penis in anus sex was pleasurable and 64.9% had never tried it; 12.4% said finger in anus sex was pleasurable and 59.7% had never tried it; and 6.1% said toy in anus was pleasurable and 69.2% had never tried it. The rest of the women found it unpleasant or neutral.
But there are still some Black women who are apprehensive about trying anal sex due to outdated tropes and misconceptions, that have been swirling among our community for years. According to Nikquan Lewis, operating off of myths in the bedroom can and oftentimes limits your pleasure, your connection, and your intimacy. Let’s break down some of the misconceptions so we can make room for pleasure-focused, well-informed decisions that support our bodies, boundaries, and joy.
Nikquan Lewis:
Myth #1: If a man likes backdoor play, he must be gay.
No ma’am. This alone doesn’t make him gay. Sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to, not only what you enjoy sexually. The man’s prostate is a major pleasure center for men and is stimulated through backdoor play. That’s biology, not sexuality, and understanding this allows space for pleasure for those who want to explore in this way. In heterosexual couples, this is often called pegging, and as long as it’s consensual, mutual, and safe. That’s y’all’s business.
Myth #2: Backdoor play has to involve a penis.
It doesn’t. For some women, the thought of that feels intimidating and even scary. There are other ways to explore: fingers, smaller toys, anal plugs, etc. Go on a date to the adult store and choose your pleasure or pain, whichever you prefer; know that you don’t have to go from 0 to 100. It’s okay to take it slow.
Myth #3: Lube is optional.
Absolutely not. The anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so lube isn’t just a suggestion, it’s mandatory. Find a lubricant that all partners enjoy, as various options are available, including water-based, silicone-based, and hybrid. Use plenty and reapply as needed. It enhances pleasure and helps reduce pain or significant tearing.
Myth #4: It only feels good for him.
Wrong again! So many women report having orgasms during backdoor play or feel increased pleasure when it’s combined with vaginal stimulation. You have to do it when your body is relaxed, turned on, and ready.
Myth #5: It’ll stretch you out.
This is a total scare tactic. Just like the vagina, anal tissue is elastic and it bounces back. Unless you’re frequently using oversized toys or not listening to your body, that’s not something to worry about for the most part.
Myth #6: You don’t need protection.
Yes, you do. No, you can’t get pregnant from anal but you can get an STI. Use condoms. And please, change it before going vaginal or you will invite a whole new set of problems and ain’t nobody got time for that.
Myth #8: It’s nasty, sinful, or wrong.
Anal sex is an entirely valid and standard form of consensual pleasure. It’s not a moral issue or any statement on your sexuality.
Myth #9: It’s supposed to/it always hurts.
Discomfort can be common at first, but with lube, patience, and communication, it shouldn’t be painful. Sex should never be painful.
Myth #10: It’s just like it is in porn.
Porn is performance, not instruction—real anal play takes preparation, care, and trust. Do your research. Listen to your body. Go slow. Communicate throughout with your partner.
Myth #11: It’s only for him, not for me.
The anus, perineum, and internal clitoral legs have tons of nerve endings—many women do enjoy it. Pleasure from anal penetration can be intense and feel notably different than vaginal pleasure but it absolutely can be orgasmically pleasurable for women.
Myth #12: It’s unhygienic because of poop.
With basic prep (like a bowel movement beforehand and optional cleansing), anal sex can be clean and low-risk—bodies are not dirty, they’re just bodies.
So, how do you make it pleasurable?
Talk about it before the bedroom. Establish your sexual boundaries. There are tools, including my “How Do You Want It?” Relationship & Sex Conversation Cards to help couples explore these topics without shame and design sex lives that are perfect for them.
Start small. Use fingers, try a small plug or anal beads and communicate while doing it by indicating what feels good and what doesn’t.
Get turned on first by prioritizing foreplay. Arousal makes everything feel better, so consider pleasure mapping to explore the erogenous zones and get the juices flowing.
Use lube. Always.
If you want to explore backdoor play, do it because you want to. Not because you feel pressured, but permit yourself to say stop at any time.
Backdoor play may not be for everybody, and that’s ok, but it’s time we stop letting myths and shame keep us from understanding our bodies. If you’re curious, informed, and feel emotionally and physically safe, give yourself permission to explore and design your pleasure menu, guilt-free.