Most marriages experience bumps in the road, but what happens when those bumps turn into forks? Some people decide at this junction that it’s time to dissolve the marriage. But there’s another route this could go down, a silent divorce.
The silent divorce trend happens when a couple emotionally and mentally disconnect from one another, but are still legally married. Sometimes that disconnection seeps into the bedroom, and couples are no longer physically intimate either. Essentially, a once-doting couple may watch themselves morph from affectionate lovers to distant strangers living under the same roof.
Why do silent divorces happen? For a myriad of reasons, says Beverley Andre, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, Texas. Some reasons she cites include unresolved conflict, poor communication, emotional neglect, a lack of physical intimacy, and unaddressed resentment.
“When life gets busy, emotional deposits are often the first things to go,” Andre explains. “These small, daily acts of care create emotional buffers that help couples navigate stress and disagreements with grace. However, when those deposits disappear, emotional distance takes their place. And once that space is there, it shapes how partners view one another. That shift often leads to a negative perspective about the relationship.”
Couples staying together for every reason under the sun aside from love isn’t an uncommon phenomenon. According to a 2023 Pew Research report, 55% of Americans believe that couples who are unhappy tend to stay in unhappy marriages for too long. Staying in an unhappy marriage could have consequences that impact one’s health and mental wellbeing–research has shown that feeling unhappy in a marriage can negatively affect one’s health and self-esteem. It’s unsurprising considering the emotional toll living with someone you no longer connect with can take.
So is the solution to transition from a silent divorce to an actual one and officially part ways? Not always. In some cases, the relationship can still be salvaged. One way is by reestablishing the emotional connection, which often takes work, says licensed couples therapist Takira Victorin in Brooklyn, New York.
“I suggest couples start with honest and gentle communication first acknowledging the disconnect,” she says. “Not blaming one another, but simply sharing their take on the shift and desire to reconnect.”
Victorin also suggests intentionally setting aside time for these conversations and practicing active listening. Additionally, creating “small rituals of connection” can help, she adds.
“This can be done with a simple good morning and good night kiss or touch or a daily check-in, ‘how are you feeling today?”’
Once the disconnect is acknowledged and the desire to reconnect is established, the more complex work often begins. That requires vulnerability on both parts and honesty about the root cause of the distance.
“Couples should ask each other deeper questions, not just about daily logistics, but about their needs, boundaries, and desires,” explains Andre. This process can be arduous, so fortunately, couples don’t have to go through it alone. They can reach out to a professional for help. If there’s been a complete communication breakdown, and hurt and resentment have snowballed, a therapist can help with the emotional unpacking. An added benefit of therapy is having a trained third party there, which can help improve your communication, which is fundamental to any healthy relationship.
There are times when a silent divorce means a relationship is at the end of its lifespan. A telltale sign is when both parties have stopped trying and have no interest in reestablishing the connection and intimacy. When the emotional distance no longer feels temporary, that could mean that it’s time to move on, says Andre.
“The couples stop sharing their inner world, lacks the motivation to navigate conflict and repair their relationship, and has no shared vision for the future,” she says.
For couples who decide to fight it out and rebuild a marriage that’s enjoyable, it’s essential to go back to the basics. Andre says that it may look like bringing back fun, play, and dating, which is often where it all began.
“Dating each other again reminds the couple of what brought them together and opens the door to discovering new things about each other.”