He's Just Not Feelin' You

He's Just Not Feeling You
ESSENCE.COM Feb, 19, 2009

1 of 12 Getty Image

He doesn’t keep his word or follow through. You’ve been begging him to put together that IKEA bookshelf for months.

Anslem says: Not being able to keep one’s word leads to trust issues, and once that happens you can kiss any hopes for a harmonious relationship goodbye. Some people are naturally flighty, but that doesn’t absolve them of respecting your time. This may have more to do with character flaws than whether or not someone likes you; but why would you want to be with someone you can’t count on anyway?

2 of 12

He isn’t concerned about your sexual satisfaction.

Anslem says: If the man you choose to share a bed with isn’t concerned with pleasuring you, then why should you bother pleasing him? Sex is a team sport and if one person isn’t carrying their weight they need to be cut from the team immediately with no ifs, ands and definitely no butt.

3 of 12

He never takes you out or only takes you to the local Chinese food or wings spot.

Anslem says: Unless this brother is strapped for cash (we are in a recession) or still in high school, taking a lady to such lowbrow eateries is unacceptable. This has nothing to do with whether he’s feeling you or not, it’s a matter of class. You don’t have to eat out every night, but a man that’s really trying to woo a woman will do better than Chinese takeout or a bucket of wings.

4 of 12

He says he loves you but doesn’t show it. (Is he only saying it because he feels pressured?)

Anslem says: A man can say I love you until he’s out of breath; the words mean nothing without any action to back them up. In a perfect world, men would only say what they mean, but we all know that’s not the case. When it comes to men and the “L word,” sometimes actions speak louder.

5 of 12 Getty Image

He never pays the bill.

Anslem says: Two words: Lose-er. Times are hard across the board and going Dutch may be more commonplace now, but a man that mooches off a woman is a definite no-no. Regardless of his financial situation, a man that’s seriously interested in a woman will make some sort of effort to cater to her needs and not the other way around.

6 of 12 Getty Image

He doesn’t look out for your safety and well-being. (Like ensuring you make it home okay or seeing you to your door.)

Anslem says: There are subtle signs that a man is interested and then there’s common courtesy. Making sure a woman makes it home safely after leaving your care is rule No. 1 in the gentleman’s handbook, and if a man forgets about you as soon as you walk out his door you should return the favor and keep it moving.

7 of 12 Getty Image

He doesn’t introduce you to his inner circle and/or family.

Anslem says: This one can go either way. For every guy that views women as trophies to show off to his buddies, there’s one that prefers spending quality time alone getting to know a woman he really likes. As for meeting family members, that’s a big step in any relationship, so unless you have an official title, don’t stress it. But beware the fella that appears to be purposely keeping you separated from his family and friends. That may mean he’s hiding something.

8 of 12

He doesn’t discuss the relationship’s status or your future together.

Anslem says: Men have a tendency to take things slow—some slower than others—so he may just be enjoying the space you’re in and in no rush to “take it to the next level.” If you’re early in a relationship, there’s no reason for concern just because he’s not picking out baby names or getting fitted for a tux. But if you’ve put years into a man that has shown no interest in a future together then you may just be wasting time—his and especially yours.

9 of 12 Corbis

He doesn’t give you the details of his life. (Where he works, where he really lives, etc.)

Anslem says: Everyone has a right to their own private life, but concealing your place of work and residence is not only odd, it’s a major red flag. Unless you’re dating a secret agent, there’s no reason for him to be so secretive about basic conversation topics. Sounds like someone has something to hide and you should go seek love elsewhere.

10 of 12 Getty Image

You never spend any holidays together.

Anslem says: Are we talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas or Kwanzaa? These holidays are generally a time for family, so spending it with your significant other can be a big step in the relationship. Unless you’re married or engaged, somebody’s parents could be upset that their child is spending it away from home, so splitting major holidays might be a way of keeping peace. But something is definitely fishy when your man would rather spend Memorial Day weekend with his boys instead of his boo.

11 of 12 Getty Image

He doesn’t call.

Anslem says: Some guys just aren’t the talkative types or can actually be “busy,” but all that goes out the window when a man is dealing with a woman he wants—just make sure he wants you for your mind and not your body. Not calling frequently or lessening communication after a while could be a sign that his interest is waning. But if you’re always the one initiating contact, take that as a clear sign: He’s just not feelin’ you.

For more daily musings from Anslem, visit his blog at NakedWithSocksOn.com.

What do you think of Anslem’s advice? Leave us a comment with your two cents.

12 of 12 Getty Image

Women often have a hard time figuring out when a guy is truly interested or when he’s just playing games. So we found help. But not just any help; we wanted the raw truth. Veteran journalist Anslem Samuel, who pens a popular blog on life, love and relationships called Naked With Socks On, decided to help the sisters out. Read on to learn the inside scoop from a real man on who is really feelin’ you and worth your attention and who should be kicked to the curb for wasting your valuable time.

Editor’s note: Image used for illustrative purposes only. Samuel is not pictured.