10 Signs You're Settling for the Holidays

10 Signs You're Settling for the Holidays
ESSENCE.COM Dec, 12, 2011

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When it comes to relationships, our friends and family sometimes give us the worst advice — ever. But, if they’re all saying the same thing about your man, listen! When you’re in conversation with them and find you frequently have to rationalize his shortcomings, you could be settling.

He’s overcome a lot…He’s going through a rough time…He didn’t have good role models. These aren’t good excuses!

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When you first fall in love, most people only see the best in each other. As a matter of fact, in the early stages of a relationship, we psychologically project our best qualities onto our partner. If you’re having a hard time seeing their best because only their worst screams out at you, watch out! “The little stuff” will only multiply and magnify with time.

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Shopping, alcohol, television, and movies are all modes of escapism many of us turn to often. Just to be clear here, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with any of these. But if you are filling your free time with these activities, you may want to consider just what it is you are trying to escape from.

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This one is pretty straight forward. If you think about Idris Elba more than you think about your man, you’re not in the right relationship. Case closed. Idris is a fantasy, your relationship is real life. You should be happy with your reality.

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Can’t wait until he leaves so you can get some work done? Hoping he doesn’t call tonight because you’d rather watch Dancing With The Stars? The bottom line is that when you love who you are with you don’t wish time away. If anything, you wish you had more time with them.

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Do you ever find yourself feeling jealous over the relationships your girlfriends have with their significant others? Perhaps you say to yourself, “I wish my man would do that for me.” There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for your relationship, but if you find yourself wishing you were living in another woman’s shoes, it is not a good sign.

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Let me first say, I’ve seen some ridiculous “non-negotiable” lists written by single women. It’s all good to have preferences but a non-negotiable should be directly tied to your health and happiness. That said, if for example: you’ve always wanted to have babies and he doesn’t, that’s a non-negotiable and you can’t ignore that! If you’ve told yourself he “may be as good as it gets," you are settling.

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Do you hear the proverbial biological clock ticking away? Is it telling you, “girl, you don’t have much time left”? Don’t listen! It’s easier to lower your standards when you believe the only alternative to the situation you’re in is a lifetime of loneliness.

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In the early stages of a relationship, waking up in the morning should be fairly easy. Why? Because you look forward to being with your loved one.

Psychologically speaking, people in love have an intense craving for union. If all you want to do is go back to sleep when your alarm goes off, it means you either had a long night or you’re not motivated about going through your day, and your lover isn’t an important enough enticement to change that.

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I tell my clients all the time, if you have to question whether you’re settling, you’re settling.

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Have questions or comments? I want to hear about it! You can find me on Twitter or Facebook any time.