Rachel Lindsay is “wife material”, she emphatically states at the beginning of the latest episode of The Bachelorette, the second of the season. And she is only looking for “husband material”, which she says 50-11 times.  

This week, her hunt begins with a group date. Rachel and eight eager-to-please guys are met by Hollywood couple Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who say they are huge fans of The Bachelorette. They introduce the men to the Husband Material Challenge, an obstacle course where the guys will compete to change the dirty diaper of a fake baby, vacuum with said baby strapped to their chest, and set a kitchen table properly. Clearly the bar for what constitutes husband material is low, but this would make a great game at a baby shower.

The winner of said challenge is Lucas aka Whaboom aka the guy that everyone, except for Rachel, hates. To celebrate his win, Lucas spikes the plastic baby onto the ground like it’s a football. His athletic prowess guarantees him one-on-one time with Rachel where he reads her a poem and comes across surprisingly likeable. I still wouldn’t consider him husband material. And I still want him out of the house, but he’s not as bad as everyone thought last week.

Also, Lucas is no longer my least favorite person in the house. That distinction would belong to Blake, who is a dry snitch. It turns out, Blake and Lucas have history as Blake once lived with Lucas’s ex. It’s unclear if the ex was a roommate or a lover, or both. Blake believes Lucas has ill-intent and he feels so strongly about it that he spends his one-on-one time with Rachel spilling weak tea on Lucas.

The other guys get their time with Rachel too and most are equally unimpressive. There’s one guy talking to Rachel about hacks to change a diaper. Really? This is how you woo a woman? Kenny, the really cute pro wrestler, who I really want to like, goes on and on about his daughter. He seems wholesome, but not romantic. Rachel says as much about the guys, in general. She’s bored… until Dean comes along.

Dean is young and cute with perfect teeth, but I’m not a Dean fan. He’s the guy who told Rachel, “I’m ready to go black and I’ll never go back.” I think he’s fetishizing Rachel, but she’s a grinning fool sitting next to him. Unsurprisingly, Dean gets the special rose that keeps him from elimination at the next rose ceremony. He goes in for a kiss to celebrate. Rachel describes it as “sweet and passionate”.  

The next day, Rachel has a one-on-one date with Peter. He’s cute and has a gap like Rachel’s. They’re taking a private plane to Palm Springs, but there’s a catch! Rachel’s dog, Copper, is going with them. Of all the places to go in Palm Springs, Rachel and Peter go to “Barkfest”, which is like a dog day-party. I like dogs, but nah, son. This is a wack date. But Peter goes along with it, and even dances with Rachel’s dog.

That night, they have a more romantic date and Rachel declares she’s a “smitten kitten” over Peter. After the date, they walk out to some open area and fireworks go off in the background as they kiss. It’s completely staged, and still, my inner romantic swooned, just a bit.

Group Date 2 includes my fave Josiah, and DeMario, who also made my top five list last week. DeMario has been talking nonstop about how Rachel is going to be his wife and it’s starting to read as more thirsty than confident.

There’s another celebrity guest for this challenge: Kareem Abdul Jabar, who I really like and looks great, but is completely unnecessary in this context. The challenge here is playing basketball. Rachel watches from the sidelines and says she sees character and integrity in the bachelors. All I see is a bunch of missed shots.

After the game, Rachel is greeting fans, one of whom is a woman who says she was dating DeMario for seven months when he appeared on TV pledging his love for Rachel. Rachel retrieves DeMario from the men’s locker room to get to the bottom of the alleged shenanigans.

DeMario spots his accuser, recognizes her, then pretends he doesn’t know her. He looks at the woman, who he will later admit to at least having a sexual relationship with over the course of several months, and asks, “who’s this?” After some back and forth, it’s firmly established that DeMario is a lying liar who lies. Rachel swiftly tells him to “get the f— out.” I cackled.

Rachel tells the remaining guys of DeMario’s betrayal, and they each turn on the charm to cheer her up. Josiah, manages to impress Rachel the most and receives a rose solidifying his stay in the mansion for at least another week.

Finally, it’s time for the weekly rose ceremony to determine who will become a non-factor. My money is on Blake and/or the guy who talked about diapers. Rachel arrives to the big moment in a gorgeous black and gold gown with her thigh all out. I love it!    

Before the roses are handed out, Rachel decides to do a few more one-on-ones. First up is Bryan the Colombian chiropractor from last week. He says he will de-stress her by placing her on his masseuse table and working her out. Oh! At some point in this exchange, they kiss and my OCD meter goes haywire. Like, there’s a lot of germs being exchanged between Rachel and these men. Has everyone been tested for everything? Are we sure no one has a cold?  

Rachel is being mixy with another suitor when she’s interrupted. Host Chris Harrison is there to inform her that she has a guest at the gate. It’s DeMario, who has shown up suited and booted to speak his piece to Rachel. Bruh, what could you possibly say to fix this? Lexi had receipts. All you had was a blank stare and a bunch of “see, what had happened was….”

Rachel says she’s curious as to what DeMario has to say. Low key, I am too. Rachel says she will hear him out. The other guys in the house are informed that DeMario is outside, and several feel the urge to confront him to avenge Rachel’s hurt feelings. Everyone heads to the end of the driveway and something tells me this won’t end well. Unfortunately, we won’t find out what happens – or who doesn’t get a rose– until next week.

What did you think of last night’s episode?

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