Ten dates. One month. No excuses. Are you up for the challenge?
10 Easy Ways to Display ConfidenceDating TipsI have a big secret to tell you-I'm a voyeur. Not a "sit outside your house and watch you get dressed" type of voyeur, but the type that is obsessed with how you interact with new people...especially romantic interests.It is partly because of this trait that I founded "The Quarterly"-the world's largest urban speed dating organization. Unlike most gatherings hosted by other speed dating companies, our events are GRAND, typically bringing in 200-300 attendees. Why so big? The Quarterly is not only designed for good people to connect, it's also my human fishbowl-to watch how we interact, see what is effective, and what's not working. Last weekend, in DC, we hosted our largest event ever. It marked a milestone; we have now facilitated over 10,000 speed dates and successfully matched nearly 500 people. While I'm humbled by those numbers (we reached within only 6 months), what has been most rewarding for me personally, has been analyzing the interactions of those men and women. We've had mostly African American participants, they've come from all walks of life (religion, education, career, etc) and despite that diversity, nearly 100% of attendees have agreed to one simple theory: confidence equals sex appeal which equals the fastest driver to attraction. This single characteristic (confidence), is what I call the "great equalizer" because if you have it, it balances less desired characteristics. For example, if you're a woman who is overweight yet confident...#winning! Let's say you're a guy who is 5'6 yet exudes confidence...#winning! Style worse than Flavor Flav, yet confident...#winning (kinda...lol). You see my point though, confidence is sexy and if you have it, chances are, those that recognize you have it, also find you attractive. Here's the GREAT news => After studying body language for sometime now, I can tell you that confidence is a learned behavior. Sure, some of us are naturals, but for the rest of us, learning confidence simply takes practice. The following are my top 10 methods to convey confidence. Do these the next time you're out at a social gathering and I guarantee people will walk away sensing your confidence!Introduce Yourself by Name and Do It SlowlyI learned this in drama class...waaaay back in the day. Always introduce your name like you're reading it off a billboard in Times Square-do it very deliberately and paced: "Hi, I'm PAUL... CARRICK... BRUNSON"-pausing a full count between your first, middle (I recommend using your middle name, it's another point of differentiation), and last name.Not to put too much pressure on this step, but these may be all the words you get out before a first impression is cemented in stone (typically, a first impression is made within7 seconds of meeting someone). If you don't treat your own name with respect and dignity, why should anyone else?Ask For Their Name and Use ItThere is no sweeter sound in the world than the sound of our name. This is a critical step, ask for the person's name (if not offered to you) and use it several times in conversation. I advise using a person's name at least once every 10 minutes of dialogue.Limit Your SmilesI'm a huge "smile" advocate (#shoutout to my #nomeanmugginmonday crew), however, folks that don't smile appear more confident...it's a fact. We tend to smile when we're nervous or trying to hustle someone. So, does this mean stop smiling...no. What it does mean is, be strategic with your smiling.Flash those pearly whites only on occasion, when using the person's name, when they tell a joke, or when you're making a positive point.Give a Firm Handshake and Touch, PeriodicallyI can't tell you how much I hate it when someone gives me a soft shake (and if mixed with a clammy feel...yuck). A firm handshake is better than sex (not really, just wanted to see if you're still paying attention).Firm handshakes are the best way to begin a strong connection with someone. A handshake also drops the first domino on "touching." Touching is a powerful tool that when done right, can create a wonderful connection, but when done wrong, can make you seem sleazy and less confident. I recommend the 5/15 rule when touching; within 15 minutes I touch the person I'm talking to 5 times. The key is for each touch to be subtle and unpremeditated, not too serious or dramatic.Never Look Down and Nod AppropriatelyThe saying goes "eyes are the windows to our souls." If you limit eye contact because you're looking away, you simply don't look confident. Eye contact should be focused on the person with whom you're talking. Be sure to mix in a few nods and eye blinks, otherwise you look like a stalker. The rule of thumb is that short single nods are most effective-it shows that you're listening. Double or triple nods make it seem as if you're trying to speed the person up... #NotWinningUse the B.B.R. (Bell Button Rule)This is my favorite rule and one I talk about in-depth at my coaching sessions-the B.B.R. otherwise known as the Belly Button Rule is the MOST TELLING and COMPELLING of all body language tactics. The direction our belly button faces reflects our attitude and our emotional state. When we face our navel towards someone, we're subconsciously saying we're interested in the person or the conversation. Face your navel away, and you're saying "get me the hell out of this."Most people do not know this rule, so learn it, master it, and you'll be able to better read and control your interactions.Stand in the CenterI must admit, this is something I consciously do. If you attended the DC quarterly last weekend, you would have seen me in action...I walked to the center of the room and talked to everyone from that position for most of the night (until the space around me turned into a dance floor and I was overtaken by a crew doing the Cha-Cha Slide). This applies to your macro and micro positioning-so if you're having a conversation with 4 people, stand in the middle of the group. If the group is in a large room filled with people, encourage them to stand nearest to the center. The effectiveness of this is enormous, not only do the people in your immediate conversation naturally look to you as the "group leader," additionally, people standing in the room, who glance at your group, will assume you are the center of attention (and you will be, literally).Be Careful What You Do with Your Hands and ArmsIn new situations, we instinctively want to put our hands in our pockets, or ladies, if you're wearing a dress with no pockets, you may fumble with the lapel of your dress. Where you put your hands is very telling-stay away from crossing your arms, shoving hands in your pockets, or holding your hands in front of you (in what's considered the fig leaf position). All of these display fear, anxiety, or caution-not signs of someone who is confident.Leave The Conversation EarlyThis sounds very "pick-up artist-like" but it is what it is (note: I see tremendous value in studying pick-up artistry).When you end the conversation and walk away early, at your own discretion, this conveys that your time is limited, and you have other important things to do. This is especially effective when you were in a good conversation, it leaves the person wanting to hear more from you. This rule is particularly important when ladies "approach" men...when you leave men wanting more in a conversation, his chase begins!Believe ItThe preceding are all tactics that you can use to immediately "appear" more confident. I challenge you to use all of these suggestions at your next social gathering and let me know how you feel you were perceived. Please report to me on your progress at fb.com/PaulBrunson or @PaulCBrunson on Twitter.
10 Underrated Men & Why You Should Date ThemGuys You Often Overlook When DatingThe availability of single men is largely about math. If there are 10 single men at a party and you disqualify 9 of them, your probability of meeting Mr. Right shrinks to below 10% (the reason it's 'below' is because, don't forget, he needs to not disqualify you). When you take this same concept and apply it to our daily lives, the result is that very few women meet and then, subsequently, date men. The average number of dates my female clients have before working with me is 3-5 per year (and I'm beginning to think this is the rule and not the exception). To increase the number of men you date, there are 2 basic things you can do: 1) Expand your social circles. 2) Open your mind to new men. Today we're focusing on #2 - the following list includes the 10 types of men most women disqualify and I suggest taking a second look.Under 5'5 GuysHeight is the number one request I hear from my female clients, with the average request coming in at 6 feet. But, those same clients are surprised to know that only 14 percent of men in the U.S. meet or exceed that clearance level. Height is sought for the feeling of masculinity it embodies. However, masculinity is the combination of physical prowess (height is only a portion of this component), courage, & honor - he may be vertically challenged, but if he makes up for it in other areas, this guy is a keeper! Introverted Guys30-50% of men are reportedly introverts. This means that there are as many as 20 million single introverted men in the U.S. I've often said that introverts are invisible on the dating scene because it's unlikely that they will approach you and you may overlook them because of the distraction caused by their more dominant, extroverted counterparts. The quiet guy is one you should engage in conversation — research shows that they are the most romantic lovers! No Flava GuysI'm calling out my cousins as well as wife's friends (sorry, ladies!) on this one...I always hear about a guy who's been tossed aside because he doesn't know why the bottom of your shoes are red, his suits aren't bespoke, and he's too nice. The "he's a cornball" excuse can only last so long. Having 'flava' says NOTHING about what's most important, the husband he will be and also the father he will be to your children...'flava' is like sprinkles on a hot donut from Krispy Kreme...nice but not necessary.Non-Black GuysYou won't find a stronger advocate for black marriage than me (the core reason for founding my matchmaking company). But, the idea of not "dating out" because you're afraid of what your friends and family will say when you bring him to the 4th of July barbecue is unfair to your search for love. Don't be afraid to bring home a white boy!Mamma's Boy GuysI moderate a popular twitter show called Modern Day Matchmaker Wednesday where I match a bachelor or bachelorette with a date. I've never seen a faster demise of a bachelor than when one said he was a Mamma's boy. What's ironic is that a man's relationship with his mother is often indicative of how he will treat his wife. Give these guys another chance... Long Distance GuysMost people look for someone within 25 miles of their home...thinking they will see them frequently. However, what's interesting is that most of us married folk see our spouses less than 20 hours per week (given long work days, travel, etc). As long as planes fly, I'm for dating everywhere...don't let distance stop you...most of us would relocate for career or education...why not extend the same thought for love?Unemployed GuysThe state of our economy has forced a lot of great guys into involuntary unemployment. He may not have a job today, but tomorrow he may be the VP at a Fortune 500 company. If his values match your own and you can determine that he has strong drive and determination, see this guy through the tough times and better days will be ahead.Too Young/Old GuysHow many times have you said you won't date anyone more than 5 years older or younger than you (or some variation of this)? We must remove the mental tags from age requirements in dating. If we want someone that can "relate" to us, a number won't necessarily determine that. Put down your boundaries and plenty of new potential will open up (as long as you're not scouring school grounds!)Man Boob GuysMy favorite line from a client was that she refuses to date someone with "a cup size bigger than her own."From my research, being heavy is the second most undesirable trait in a man (right under being short - no pun intended).Let's face it, we're a nation of overweight people trying to lose weight.If health and fitness are a part of your lifestyle, chances are he'll adopt some of your healthy habits.My wife and I motivate each other with fitness challenges.Friendly competition can yield sweet rewards!Cave Man GuysJust because his fingernails are dirty and his breath smells like fertilizer doesn't mean he'll never figure out how to remove his cuticles or that flossing isn't done exclusively in a drop-top."Shopping" is one style of dating, but I prefer "investing". Look at your possible mate from the inside out - perhaps the qualities that can't be seen are worth much more than those that are visible.All beautifully cut diamonds started in the rough.
Trust is a biggie. It's hard to have a good relationship without trust. Once those first seeds of doubt are planted in a relationship, it's hard to get that doubt out of your head. Naturally, some folks move from getting it out of their head to cracking into their spouse's online accounts. That was the case of one 33-year-old Michigan man and his wife. And now Clara Walker's ex-husband, Leon Walker, is facing the possibility of five years in prison because he read his wife's email...
The pursuit of romance, for better or worse, is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more dates you have, the better your chances of meeting someone compatible are. While you can try to up those numbers by hitting the social scene, networking with friends or by looking for dates online, there is another tool in the dating tool kit you could tap into to get you a month's worth of meet-n-greets in a matter of minutes.
It's time to declare death to the dinner date. It's not that it's a bad idea. It's just done to death. Two people sit down, eat food and have a conversation, but what do you really learn about someone from a dinner date that you couldn't get out of a conversation over coffee in two-thirds less time and for only a fraction of the cost?
It's hard to tell someone how you really feel -- in 140 characters. I mean, you can try it. Sometimes it works. Except when it doesn't. Like when your significant other texts you to ask what you think of your date-night plans, and you text back only one word: "Fine."