“I'm guarded. And I want to set myself free. I want to live in the moment and enjoy the journey. I want to be present. And live faithfully despite my fears.”
There was a time in my life when I didn't know what it meant to be afraid of what I didn't know... failure, heartache and disappointment.
And, while I've enjoyed living my life and learning many lessons, there are a few that I never want to learn or experience again – especially when it comes to falling in and out of love. I suppose the possibilities of this single woman enjoying the good times again are accompanied by the chance of the good going bad. Ouch.
After each heartache or disappointment, I've always moved forward; my sail of hope powered by the belief that the best is yet to come. The pain was just a glitch and a bump on the road that is leading to so much more. I still believe that.
And, I am afraid.
Have you ever hit a really big pothole really hard? I feel it in my chest and my lower back. I'm rattled. I'm ready to jump out of the car and check all of the tires, crawl up under the carriage of the vehicle and look for punctures and damage. But I'm still moving and the engine lights didn't come on. There are no check tire signs. So, I keep driving, only to forget about the blow as the time goes on. My destination becomes the priority again.
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Weeks, months and years later I’m on a totally different road. I'm singing in the car, enjoying the breeze and the excitement of what's to come. I'm not speeding, but I'm a few miles over the legal limit and I see it. Another pothole.
The choice is mine... Step on the break and totally avoid it. Swerve and go around it slightly, making some contact, but taking the chance of running into something else. Keep going and pray the car's velocity and positioning cause it to glide over the hole with no damage or real impact, hope to God I don't feel it and pray that the ride and destination are well worth the risk.
I'm dating again.
I'm on this road.
I see a pothole and I have no idea of its depth, width, or possible impact...
I'm so scared.
I'm guarded. And I want to set myself free. I want to live in the moment and enjoy the journey. I want to be present. And live faithfully despite my fears.
Thanks for letting me say it...