What's a girl to do when her fiancé’s sex drive seems non existent?
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My man has lost interest in me sexually. I have known my fiance for almost four years as a co-worker. During that time, he pursued me relentlessly. I wasn’t really feeling him and was kind of seeing someone else so I never gave him the time of day.
Then about five months ago, I was fired and the only thing I missed from the job was him. I sent him a “hey stranger” text and the rest is history. He bought me gifts, wined me and dined me and told all of our family and friends that I was his dream girl. He said he loved me from day one.
We were in lust and love. Some days we made love 3-5 times a day. We christened everywhere we went. It was crazy! With the amount of affection, care, support, and generosity he showed, I threw caution away and moved much quicker than I ever have. He begged me to move in and I did. He proposed and I happily said yes.
Then after about 6 weeks, our sexual energy fizzled to a halt. Around that time, my fiance started revealing extreme financial problems and I learned about all of his baby’s mama issues. Playtime was over.
We now have sex about one or two times a month. This is usually with me pursuing him. Lingerie doesn’t work, skimpy clothes don’t work. A bottle of wine won’t work. Nothing does. He says he hates his life and is generally miserable. We barely speak and when we do, he calls me names.
When I ask my man what’s up he says he’s just super stressed over money and stuff. Our libidos are in 2 different places because I still feel ready to go all the time. Now I just feel unloved, undesirable, and unwanted.
How do I get him back turned on? Is he just not that into me? I feel so dumb because I thought I found the man of my dreams. Why would he be so into me for so long and then nothing?
Cold in Cali
Dearest Sacred Bombshell,
Whether your fiance remains the man of your dreams or not, there is no reason to feel dumb. I will talk about libido as that was your question, but there was a red flag in your letter. You mentioned that your man is calling you names. No matter what his issue is, there is NO excuse for that, and that is a big indicator that this man and this relationship may not be your happy ending.
A man’s libido can be slowed by many different factors, both physical and psychological.
- There are certain medications that cause a sexual slowdown.
- Drug and alcohol usage can also slow things down.
- He could have decreased testosterone due to aging,
- Erectile dysfunction can cause some men to retreat sexually.
- Sleep issues can cause a man to have a loss of sexual interest.
- Chronic illness can also cause a libido decrease.
- Low self-esteem definitely causes a man to be less interested sexually.
- Stress can absolutely be a factor when it comes to waning libido.
- Depression is also a leading cause of decreased sexual interest.
Your man sounds as if he is stressed and depressed. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Encourage him to speak to a therapist about his issues or you can both go to a therapist together. If your fiance is indeed depressed, there is no amount of lingerie that can snap him out of it.
There are also some men (and women) who are turned on by the excitement, newness and fantasy of a situation. He may have been into the pursuit and the idea of you as the unattainable love. For these people, once day-to-day reality sets in, they realize that another person is not going to make them happy. No matter who you get with, you are still you. True happiness must first come from within.
Again, there is no reason to be in a relationship with someone calling you names. The decision is yours but if he seems just not that into you so quickly, you have your answer, Chances are that this will not improve. You will not be leaving him because of a loss of libido or sexual dysfunction - this can happen to all of us as humans at any time. You are leaving because someone lashing out at you a few months in is a bad sign of things to come.
You deserve better and I will hold a vision for you of the love and happiness you very much deserve.
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.