The truth about that awkward moment when you realize the man you’re dating has way more experience than you do.
Hi, my name is Danielle and I am by no means a prude. Actually, I’m quite open-minded about the fluidity of all things sex and sexuality. In the words of Wendy Williams, “Mother has lived,” and has a ton of stories to tell (sorry dad!). However, if you’ve been following my magical adventure (no titles, no sex, just dating) so far, you know that I’m currently in a space where sex doesn’t exist. Not because I’m on some journey of self healing or “saving” myself for marriage, but because I’m on a mission to try something different from my normal meet it, hit it and date it routine. As I mentioned before, it’s an amazing journey, one I appreciate more and more each day. I’m learning things about myself and my main bae that I might have not otherwise taken the time to learn if we were both focused on lining up body parts.
So what could possibly be the problem you ask? Well, see in all this learning and getting to know each other, I’ve learned quite a bit about Mr. Magic’s sex life and people, if this man ever gets me in bed, he’s finna (yes I said finna) show me some things. Lots of things. This man has done pretty much everything. Seen it on TV? He’s done it. Watched it on your favorite after dark website? He’s tried it. Giggled about it with your girls or bragged about it with your boys? He’s been there, done that, several times, wrote the book and accepted the award. There are some things you probably never even considered. Father has lived. Of course I have no issues with his past history and as I mentioned, I’m open to at least considering all the kinks and fetishes he brings to the table, especially since he’s open to my own.
The thing is, while I have had my share of experiences, they are nothing compared to what he’s done. I’m here day dreaming about some of the most basic things, and he’s all like “Yea, I did that once in Sri Lanka.” Sri Lanka? I’m still working up the nerve to do certain things here with a man I know, let alone on vacation with a stranger. Suddenly I’ve found myself less ready to take the next step. I mean, how do you compete with a past like that? There are no new tricks for him. No lingerie or sexy costumes that he hasn’t seen. No oils or toys that he hasn’t tried or owned. No fantasy that you could conjure that he hasn’t lived out, in some cases even multiple times. Nothing is new. Worse yet, he’s dated women with the same level of freak, for lack of a better word, as him, and they are all part of his bucket list worthy sexual past. But I’m not him, and I’m certainly not them. My past is steamy, but it isn’t Sri Lankan stranger steamy. I’m good, but not done everything in the book good. Your girl will get into some things, but I draw the line at furries sex and things like that. So how does one compete? How do you please, and keep pleasing a man who has done pretty much everything?
Of course one could argue that while he has done these things, he hasn’t done them with me and that experience alone makes it new, exciting, etc. One could also argue that there doesn’t need to be any competition with the past because if it was that amazing, I wouldn’t be here as a potential part of his future. While those, and others, are great points to make, let’s be honest here, sex is a huge part of relationships. A bad sex life is right up there with financial issues and watching the shared Netflix series without you, on the list of things that break up happy homes.
Not knowing how to make what’s old to him, new and exciting for us, has honestly made me a bit nervous and insecure about this next step. I’ve gone from praying to the Patron Saint of Eggplants that it would happen, to praying that he wants to wait just a little while longer, so I can get my life together. I care for him, and I want this part of our time together to be just as important as the rest of our shared world. Fortunately I have amazing friends like my girl Sheena LaShay, who is amazing with topics like this, and one thing she’s said to me in the past is that couples should have a shared sexual journey. They should sit down and talk about their fantasies, expectations, passions and pleasures, and create kind of a manifesto of where they want to go sexually. This way the onus is not on one person to please the other, but on pleasing, learning, growing and experiencing things together.
Mr. Magic and I aren’t quite a couple yet, but if and when we do decide to go to the next level, perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to create a manifesto of our own. It will give him a chance to discover a few things he might not have considered experiencing, and it will keep me focused on us instead of trying to compete with his past. I’m actually excited at the thought of creating our sexual commandments, and even though I’m sure he’s reading this and rolling his eyes, I know he’ll be kind of into it too. Who knows, all this worrying could be for nothing, because judging by his past, I’m in for one hell of a ride. All puns intended.
Danielle T. Pointdujour is a Brooklynite living the passport life to the fullest. With over 70 countries under her belt, you can always find Danielle traveling the globe in search of new experiences and the hottest luxury hotels. You can follow her writing, musings and global adventures on her blog Hotel Whisperer and on Twitter and Instagram.