This reader and her fiancé have a ‘picture perfect’ relationships, but there’s just one (big) problem—she’s not into sex.
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Is it normal to have no sex drive at only 21-years old?
I am from Arizona. My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years and engaged for 3 months.
Everything in our relationship is picture perfect to me. We live in a very nice city, have and amazing family -- our 3 dogs. We communicate and get along very well. When we fight we talk it out.
There is just one issue.
At the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't keep my hands off of my man. We would have sex 3 to 4 times within a couple hours! It was HOT.. But once we moved in together things changed.
I have no sexual drive now. He's lucky to get it twice a month -- and that's because I pretty much force myself. I feel horrible because I know he has needs.
I used to be very sexually active and had sex with every man I dated. I feel like it was a way to get them to stick around and since I know he will not go anywhere I feel like I don't have to do it.
There is no sex drive AT ALL! I have never climaxed, or anything. I fake it. and I cannot go longer than a couple minutes or I get dry. This is a very big issue for me and I would really like to get some answers so the rest of our future isn't a constant struggle in bed.
Thank you in advance.
Young, Dry and Over It
My Dearest Sacred Bombshell,
Congrats on your engagement -- and on you having the courage to reach out for help. To hear the media tell it, every young woman in her 20s is hooking up right and left without a care in the world. You are not alone, my goddess sister. The truth, as usual, is far more varied and complex.
Before you can have a great sexual and sensual life with your man, you need to learn to have a great sexual and sensual relationship with yourself.
Before meeting your hubbie-to-be, it sounds like you had plenty of sex but zero intimacy. By your own admission, you used sex as a tool of manipulation. You say that sexual intercouse was a way to make men stay. The beautiful thing is that you will now get to share other parts of yourself and really learn what true intimacy is.
You say that your fiance has needs. Well, truth be told, so do you, gorgeous. You have sexual needs that go beyond that of your partner.
Your letter was lacking a key word when it comes to discussions of intimacy: PLEASURE. You need to learn how to experience true pleasure with a partner who is not in it just to win it. Yes, my love; you deserve to be wanted in mind, body, and spirit.
Hormonal issues, birth control, health challenges, and medication changes must be investigated when it comes to issues of desire. I have to tell you legally that this does not constitute medical advice. You should check with your own doctor or healthcare provider to make sure that you are physically healthy. However, you clearly have psychological blocks when it comes to making love.
The beauty of being in a longterm relationship is that you can explore and go to emotional and erotic depths that you haven’t considered. Buy a great guide like, The Sex & Pleasure Book Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone by Carol Queen with Shar Rednour. Ask your guy to join you on a sexual adventure while you figure out what you are truly into when not trying only to please the other person.
My prescription for you is “30 Days of Sacred Bombshell Play and Pleasure” with your man. Commit to being sensually and sexually intimate in some way every day for a month. The best way to learn anything is practice. You could theorize and pontificate for months, but you have to just make it happen.
Here are a few ways to bring the fun, pleasure, and desire back into your life:
• How is your solo sex life? Try starting the party alone and getting yourself hot. This can be in the bathroom or perhaps with him watching. For the price of 2 movie tickets, you can buy a sexy personal toy like Body Innovations Sensual Expressions Green Ocean Ecstasy Mini Massager.
• Watch women-directed sexy adult movies together. Learn what really excites YOU when you don’t view sex as a job or a performance.
• Invest in a great lubricant, if dryness persists as an issue. Try the hypoallergenic Shibari Water-Based Premium Personal Lubricant, specially made for sensitive skin or the popular K-Y Yours + Mine Couples Lubricant.
• Order the Sex Positions Deck: Pick a Card, Any Card for a Wild Night by Lisa Sweet. Then every night one of you picks a card that is your sexy joint mission.
• You may also want to bring the excitement back with Sexy Truth or Dare: Pick-A-Stick by Lynne Stanton. Every day, one of you picks a racy “dare” on a stick and goes for it.
• Consider seeing a sex therapist. This is not as “out there” as it was once considered. Locate a professional near you via The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. According to their site, “AASECT affirms the fundamental value of sexuality as an inherent, essential, and beneficial dimension of being human.” Yes!
As for the Big O (and I’m not talkin’ Auntie Oprah!), take the pressure off. Make your objective sensuality over sexuality for a while. Dr. Louanne Cole Weston of WebMD has a great “tense and release” method for women who have never experienced an orgasm. She says that, “It is possible to learn to be orgasmic.” Great news! Get out there, play, explore and report back.
You need to learn to be in a hot, juicy relationship. The thrill is not gone just because you have found a good man who doesn’t want to leave you. The thrill, my darling, is just beginning. Check out my Sacred Bombshell Aphrodisiac Chakra Kit and learn to love the goddess that is YOU.
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.
Find Abiola’s juiciest bombshell love tips in the February 2016 #BlackGirlMagic issue of ESSENCE Magazine on pages 115-116.
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