You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
I've been in a relationship for the past four years. Currently my mom, my sister and I live in the same house. My male friend and I have had arguments and my mom gets in the middle when I don't want her to. I'm a 30-year-old lady whose feelings are torn. My mom despises my male friend, and when he comes over, they always have an argument. It's come to a point where I push him away and say to him that I don't want to be with him just to make her happy, and I know deep down I still care for this man, but I just want to keep my mom happy. I feel at times that she just wants me to be a lonely person. I need some advice from someone other than my family.
You are caught in the middle between your mother and your boyfriend. The question is, why? You are 30-years-old and your mother is interfering in your relationship and even your arguments. Again, why? You push your boyfriend of four years away to make your mom happy? Why!? You are willing to risk your happiness and deny your feelings. Why!? Some missing information is necessary in order to fully understand your story. I am not clear if you are living with your mother and sister or if they are living with you. Whose house is it? Why does your mother "despise" your boyfriend?
The answer to these questions may help clarify why you are working so hard to be a people pleaser and a peacemaker. Regardless, it is time that you to get a backbone and confront these issues. You must first become totally honest with yourself. If you chose to please others at the risk of ignoring or denying your own feelings, you will never find happiness. It is time to express your feelings and set some boundaries with your mother and others. It is unclear what issues you may or not have with your boyfriend, but it is clear that you have some issues with your mother.
At 30 you must be able to speak up and be heard by your mother. For whatever reason, you have not been able to do that. It is time to become independent and live on your own. You must take charge and responsibility of your life if you do not want others to control it. I recommend that you seek some individual therapy to process issues you have with your mom and others. This will also give you an opportunity to understand your own feelings. If you want something different in life, you must do something different! -- Dr. Sherry
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