You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Dear Dr. Sherry,
About two weeks ago I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a white woman. I found out because I occasionally check on him to make sure he is doing the right thing because of some past lies that has told. I went into his email. I have a way to pull up old mail, erased mail or hidden mail. I found some messages that he and the woman were sending back and forth to each other, and then came the reality of it – I found naked pictures they were sending to each other too. He initiated it by asking for some pictures of her and she sent explicit pictures of her private parts; he sent one as well. She also sent clothed pictures of herself too. I am so devastated and I’m six months pregnant with his child. When I confronted him, of course he lied until I showed him the pictures that I found. He said it was just for fun and she was attracted to him. He also said it started cordially and then he allowed it to go too far.
I do not know or even think I can get over this. I never thought he would do something like this because since we got married he always told me he would never do it and that I was one-of-a-kind. I just feel so low, and everything that I thought I meant to him is now in the toilet. The pictures and everything replays in my mind daily and it is just so hard. I have had past issues with him when it came to lying, manipulation, past texting and emailing women, mental abuse and some physical and I feel like this is icing on the cake! He expressed that he is sorry and begs for my forgiveness. He says it will never happen again, but I don't believe anything that he says period!
I keep thinking that if I didn't catch him, would he have stopped? I asked him and he said “I don't know”, “maybe” and “yes”, but I think he would have continued and probably went even further if he hasn’t already done so. I told him before we got married that I wouldn't deal with infidelity, but I am thinking that since it wasn't physical, that this is fixable. I don't know what to do; I am lost and hurt. I am in so much of pain that it is all I think about. We are supposed to try counseling, but I don't know if I can make it back. Please help.
Mrs. Broken hearted.
Anytime you have to "check" on your husband and play the role of a detective to make sure he is doing the right thing, your marriage is in serious trouble. It has taken a lot for this to come to a head. Your husband has had a history of "lying, manipulation, pas texting and emailing women, mental abuse and some physical" but it is only now that you don't believe anything he says. Really?! Why now? Is it because he was having an "emotional affair with a white women" or the fact you are now married? Regardless of whether the woman was black, white, red, or yellow, your husband is totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. Your marriage lacks some basic building blocks like honesty and trust. Unfortunately, there has been a history of problems that may have never been addressed. Given that, don't expect him to change after you marry and say "I do".
I am sorry that this is happening while you are six months pregnant. Please let the health of your baby be the main thing on your mind. Do not allow the stress of his behavior jeopardize you or your baby's health. I recommend that you seek marital therapy, but more importantly, I highly recommend you seek individual therapy for yourself too. You must work through emotional issues that have very little to do with your husband. There is a reason why you accepted being mistreated by your husband long before you recently discovered his "emotional" relationship. You must get prepared to take care of yourself and a baby with or without your husband. You have some decisions to make here. If you want more in life, why are you settling for less? -- Dr. Sherry
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