Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Sometimes everything down there is painfully dry and other times it’s just fine.
My husband of four years is a hypercritical person. I knew this before we got married. He picks, picks, picks at every little thing and offers “solutions” for problems I never mentioned. Like, he’ll go on and on about why I don’t lose weight or tone up and I am trying to. Or, he’ll rip into me about why my flower business doesn’t make more money without looking at my business plan to see that I am right on target for this quarter. We typically fight for a couple of days and then make up.
The problem is, I find that I tend to get over these arguments faster than my body does. We make up and I feel like everything is okay but then I am completely dry down there. No wetness; no moisture; no nothing, unless I am pleasuring myself. No issues there.
Is this normal?
Dry By the Seat of My Pants
What you are experiencing is completely normal. To put it most succinctl: your man is turning you off by ripping into you. You think you’re over it but you’re not. Our bodies are much wiser than we are.
When women are sexually aroused, blood flows happily into the pelvic region creating more vaginal fluid. Your natural vaginal lubrication is your body’s juicy way of saying, “yes! I like what is going on here, more please!” I talk about this “fem-ergy” in “The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love.” You seem to have no blocks to arousal with your self. But with your man your body right now is saying, “heck to the no. No more please. Shut this situation down.”
A man making negative comments about your body is a major turnoff, all day, every day. This kind of judgment from an intimate partner can be damaging to your self-esteem and sense of wellbeing. Being around a critical person can make you feel like nothing is ever good enough for them, so why bother? Most hypercritical people actually think that they are helping. They don’t realize that there is any other way to express themselves or offer advice than to rip into a person.
To put it bluntly, it’s only a matter of time before you shut down and dry up to your husband like your vagina does. His kind of criticism is the single biggest threat to any relationship. His every comment is a rip into the foundation of your love.
You and your husband need to learn a different way of communicating. I suggest investing in Imago Therapy. It’s a myth that healthy couples don’t fight. Healthy couples just know how to disagree in healthier ways. Imago Therapy was created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. They teach that it’s possible to have a criticism-free, nag-free, negativity-free relationship. Check him on “Oprah’s Lifeclass”, and find healing sessions near you. Drs. Hendrix and Hunt also have a book named “Making Marriage Simple.”
Vaginal dryness or inadequate vaginal lubrication can happen at any age for a myriad of reasons. Visit your gynecologist as this does not constitute medical advice. In addition to psychological reasons, vaginal dryness can be caused by douching, childbirth, breast feeding, aging, menopause, smoking, and medications that affect your estrogen levels. Your doctor may wish to prescribe some form of vaginal estrogen therapy.
Meanwhile, if you want to have sex with this man you may want to find a good water-based lubricant. There is also another product category for this issue; over-the-counter vaginal moisturizers. Drinking lots of water will also help. Maybe you can show your husband the best ways to pleasure you. Perhaps he can go slower so you can become properly aroused.
Teach him that he needs to turn on your mind outside of the bedroom before he turns on your body. Be bold and take your own mental, spiritual, emotional, and sexual wellbeing into your hands by perhaps showing him this letter. Good luck!
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.