Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
A few years back I discovered on Facebook that my husband of 13 years has been chatting with women about sexual things that they want to do to each other. Even though a couple of the women live in other states, I was very upset with him. I asked him why did he feel the need to talk to women like this. He said he was just joking around and didn't really mean anything by it.
He made a vow to never do it again. Yesterday I went onto his Facebook page and found him once again sexually chatting with women. They even exchanged pictures of each other naked!! So once again I asked why he felt the need to do this.
He said because I was putting pressure on him and that it was hard for him to be the only "bread winner" in our household and that I've been making him very upset lately. Yes I admit I am wrong for going on to my husband's page but when I get a feeling that he's up to something, I always end up being right.
So the question is, what do we do about our marriage? He says that he will no longer chat with his Facebook female friends, because he doesn't want to lose me and our children, but I don't think I can trust him.
Should he eliminate his page or share one with me or what? Please help, we don't want to end our marriage, but I am not going to take this anymore.
Is my husband being unfaithful?
My Dearest Fired-Up Woman,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. A dishonest spouse and infidelity in any form is painful and calls into question your entire relationship. A man in a committed relationship sexting on Facebook and sending erotic photos to other women is not “joking around.”
Your situation is not about facebook or social media at all. This is about your husband hiding sexual interactions with other women and then blaming you for his actions. Trust in a relationship is built on the bridge of kept promises. Your husband made a vow to love, honor, and cherish you, and you say that he also vowed to discontinue his sexy chat with women on the Internet. Instead of squashing the hurtful situation, he amplified it.
By sending naked pictures to strangers, your husband is putting himself, you, and your family at risk for everything from public humiliation to blackmail. You never know where nude photos could end up so this goes beyond fantasy play or imaginative chatting. Phones are often stolen or lost. Just like you found out about his activity, your children, or his employer could easily do the same. These are serious actions that threaten your physical and emotional safety. His reaction was unfair, cold, and mean considering that he is the one who betrayed your relationship.
Couples therapy is the only way to give your marriage a fighting chance. If your husband’s response to frustration in the marriage is to step outside of the marriage, even if it is just online, your relationship is broken at the foundation. You are right to feel like you don’t want to take this anymore. You both need relationship and communication skills if you are to rebuild any kind of trust. You also need to heal from this emotional blow.
Please take time to care for yourself in the midst of all of this. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You deserve to be able to trust your partner. Any time a partner in a relationship is engaged in sexual behavior with another person that he doesn’t want his life partner to know about (virtual, on the phone, or in person), this is infidelity. And yes, your husband has lost his right to have a facebook page but that is not what will solve this problem.
My queen, I will hold a vision of you being whole and being loved. Invest in therapy, counseling, or coaching for yourself regardless of what happens with your husband.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.