It’s time for an intimacy intervention! Sex coach Abiola Abrams helps a reader who wants to learn how to believe in herself in the bedroom.
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I need help finding my sexual confidence.
I lost 90 pounds by cutting out fast food and drinking. I also walk for exercise. I was big my whole life but my doctor told me that at 33 I was already showing signs of heart disease.
My boyfriend at the time, met me when I was big and he left me when I lost weight. This has really impacted my sexual confidence. All the men I have ever dated were into "Big Beautiful Women." Now that I am not a BBW anymore, it’s like I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships. My sister used to say that my man had a fetish for big girls or was a “chubby chaser,” but I didn’t see it that way. Even though I was insecure, I just felt it was his preference. Between the sheets my ex used to make me feel special. As the pounds came off, and I started turning heads, he was less into me. He started telling me that I looked funny. He made me feel awkward about the hanging skin that I have from the weight loss and eventually he broke up with me. He said I was no longer attractive to him.
Learning to love my new body is like learning to love myself for the first time. I’m not used to all of the positive attention. I feel like it’s not really my body. I eat a cookie and look in the mirror expecting to see a fat woman again.
I have a new man but I don’t feel sexy when we’re together. How can I feel sexy again?
Small Beautiful Woman
Dearest Goddess SBW,
Congrats on making a positive change in your life for your health and well-being. I am sure that you were beautiful before and that you are equally beautiful now. I also would like to congratulate you, my queen, on losing the dead weight of a relationship with an unsupportive and unloving partner. I view a man who leaves a woman because she loses weight the same way that I view a man who leaves a woman because she gains weight. He must have been shallow, self-centered and insecure.
Loving yourself is a revolutionary act. All of you deserves to be appreciated, and you can once again become the sex goddess of your bedroom. My name for a woman who has high sexual self-esteem is a “yonified woman.” Yoni is the Sanskrit word for that precious area that includes your vulva, vagina and clitoris.
When I hold workshops for women on tapping into our divine feminine power, I refer to accessing your “goddess or Yoni power.” My friend Alexyss K. Tylor calls it “vagina power.” Mama Gena Thomashauer calls it the “Power of the P,” Jessica Holter of the Punany Poets talks about “Flower Power” and poet Christa Bell calls it “She-ism.”
We’re all saying the same thing. Yes, darling! Your power center is real. Your sacred womb holds the ultimate creative life force -- and you don’t have to physically have the reproductive parts to have the emotional memory of this energy in your body. There is such a thing as divine, awakened feminine energy just like there is divine masculine energy.
You can be celibate, in a relationship or single and ready to mingle and still access your Yoni power. Your inner strength has nothing to do with whether you are skinny, fat, tall, short, lighter or darker. As I said in one Bombshell Academy life class video, “She who has the candy makes the rules.” However, you can’t feel sexually confident with a partner unless you first feel sexually confident by yourself.
Here’s your introduction into Yoni Power:
1. Get to know your new body.
Use your daily shower as a meditation. Massage and speak “I love you” into every fold. Add positive self-talk. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and praise yourself.
2. Self-pleasure your gorgeousness.
Whether it’s toys or your fingers bring yourself to orgasm on a daily basis until you realize that you have a right to feel good. Your body is not to be looked at and judged by others. Love it for what it can do not how it looks.
3. Channel your sexy role model.
Who’s your favorite sex symbol? Whether it’s Pam Grier or Josephine Baker channel her energy. It’s not about being sexy like them, however. It’s about being sexy like you.
4. Practice extreme self-care.
Treat yourself like a jewel. Continue to eat well and exercise. Practice receiving all goodness from compliments to gifts, just because you’re worth it. Keep only positive people in your life.
5. Step out of your sexual box.
Flirt daily. Take classes like belly dancing and pole fitness that awaken that sexual chakra. Walk like your hips move mountains. Buy yourself a fierce inner wardrobe of red, satin panties.
I see you empowered in all aspects of your life like Isis, the supreme enchantress herself. Own it. What is “it?” The totality of your being; mind, body and spirit. A woman who is full of her Self in a positive way is magnetic, positively charged and sexually confident.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.