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Intimacy Intervention: 'I Love Him, But I Just Don't Want Sex Anymore'

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Nude sad woman
Woman pictured is a model, not the author of the letter.
Photo Credit: Getty Images

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I think I have female sexual dysfunction. I love my man but just don’t want sex.

I’m only 39 and I have no sex drive. We have been engaged for two years and were dating for six months before that. We had to postpone our wedding because of a cheating issue. Then he lost his job, and now I’m the only breadwinner.

At first we couldn’t be around each other without going for it, but then everything changed. I used to enjoy watching dirty movies with him but now I’m not into it because I know what’s next up and I’m turned off. It always took me forever to orgasm. Now it takes even longer. I fake it just so that he’ll get off of me.

I have never been able to achieve a climax with a man in me, only with oral sex. It’s easier just to handle my own business in the shower every day before I go to work. (By myself, I orgasm just fine.) I fantasize about other men to get me going and find myself flirting during the day. When my fiancé touches me, it’s the opposite. Then I’m just dry.

This has created a weird unspoken anger between us. I don’t think he’ll marry me if this is the situation, but I just don’t feel like having sex with him. I haven’t been turned on by him since he cheated but he’s been good for the past year.

I read online about female sexual dysfunction. Can you recommend a prescription pill that might help? I do love him and he’s a good man. I feel pressured to perform because I don’t want him to cheat again.

What now,

Frigid in Florida

Dear Fab in Flo,

I want to applaud you for being brave enough to seek help, goddess. We can’t make it through a commercial break without hearing about male impotency but this subject is still on the down low for women. Female desire is still taboo. In addition, a man’s lack of arousal is much more obvious.

Female sexual dysfunction is a blanket term used to describe a group of physiological and psychological conditions. Issues under the FSD banner include: lack of libido, sexual pain disorder, difficulty in reaching climax and inability to become aroused. Female sexual dysfunction has become big news recently because it has the potential to become big business.

The most important thing about your letter, however, is how many relationship red flags are present. You were writing to find a solution for your lack of desire when it comes to your fiancé but your problem may not be medical. Our biggest sex organ is between our ears. If a man turns us off in day-to-day life, chances are slim that we can become excited by him in the bedroom.

Before we delve deeper into FSD, let’s address your feelings about the infidelity. You say you haven’t felt turned on since he cheated. The key to everything may be in that sentence. You may think that you are over this issue but your body is telling you differently. That compounded with the fact that you are the sole financial provider may be turning you off.

A couple pledges to marry for better or worse. Having to temporarily have your man’s back while he looks for work is the right thing to do. Him cheating on you, however, is not. If it seems like he’s taking advantage of you then of course you’re turned off.

You mention pleasuring yourself daily in the shower and fantasizing about other men. That indicates that you actually have quite the healthy libido. Your man is the turnoff, not sex. Restoring intimacy in a relationship where there has been a betrayal is not going to come from a little pink pill.

Nonetheless, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to make sure that everything is okay physically. Certain health conditions, such as diabetes, can negatively impact your drive. In addition, medications like hormonal contraceptives and antidepressants can also diminish libido. As for the fact that you can’t have vaginal orgasms, you join up to 70 percent of women. That’s right. Clitoral orgasms are the norm.

Here are some physical things you can try: Drink lots of water to keep your body fully lubricated. There are also natural arousal oils that you can purchase over the counter in any pharmacy. Certain foods such as almonds may positively impact arousal and libido.

Meanwhile, it’s important to maintain your connection while you figure this out. Learn to say no with love. Rejection in a relationship feels terrible in any situation. Be honest with your man about broken places in your heart that may not be healed. Don’t fake anything in bed because you’re only cheating yourself. If you plan to be with this man forever then you need to be a team in finding sexual healing as well. If not, then it’s better to end it sooner rather than later.

There’s a lot of pressure on your intimate sex life right now. Pressure, incidentally, is also a turn off. While working on restoring intimacy go back to the basics. Remember making out? Ask your man to go slow with you while you reintroduce passionate kissing and sexy touch while you become comfortable with each other.

He has to win back your mind before he can truly have your body again. Meanwhile, seek out a sex therapist, counselor or coach. Work on your solo sex life. Find a kundalini yoga, belly dancing or pole fitness class near you to keep you in touch with your body. Ask him if you can again watch fantasy movies with no expectations at the end. When you’re feeling mentally comfortable you may wish to explore together at a women-owned adult shop such as Babeland or Good Vibrations. Love up on yourself and practice extreme self care.

There is no shame in seeking help for your issue, queen. You deserve to live a fully healthy intimate life with your dream partner.

Passionately yours,
Abiola

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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