Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Is sexting cheating?
I am a 54-year-old woman married to my second husband for almost 14 years. Prior to this marriage, I played the field a few years. I was with my first husband almost six years before I left him and moved on.
For the past few years, I have been having a texting relationship with my ex-husband. A lot of it has involved sex. He was unfaithful, lied, did drugs and even hit me a couple of times but, I just can’t seem to stop myself from ”sexting” him. We also have made plans to meet up. I cared very, very deeply about this man and attributed some of his ”bad boy” behavior to the fact that he was only in his 20’s when we were married. I was eight years older. We had our great times together, and I have never felt I could love any man as much as I loved him. When our relationship was going well, we had a great amount of love for one another. But when it got bad, it got very bad.
My current husband has a quick temper but he doesn't cheat. He works hard and he is generous and goodhearted. We have problems because he is a poor communicator and is rather caustic at times. I love him but I almost left him last year. He would never, ever hit me or cheat on me.
Am I crazy? I feel guilty but I rationalize my behavior by convincing myself that unless we are really sleeping together, there is nothing wrong with my behavior. I know in reality there is but I just can’t seem to stop myself. He makes me feel better over the phone than my husband does here with me. What is wrong with me?
My Dearest SQ,
You hear that? That’s the sisterly splash of me throwing cold water on your face to wake you up. We all need that from time to time.
The good news is that nothing is wrong with you. The bad news is that everything is wrong with your ridiculous behavior, which you need to be willing to stop today. Clearly, you are intelligent and introspective so I have full faith that you can get your life back on course.
Let’s address your questions one by one.
1. Are you cheating?
Yes, sexting is cheating. You are being intimate with another man behind your husband’s back. Whether this is physical or virtual, this is adultery. Anything that you are doing with another person that you don’t want your spouse to find out about is infidelity.
You are having an emotional affair and letting your fantasy life run amuck. Your ex is not making you feel any particular way. You are choosing to feel footloose and fancy-free while you are sex(t)ing this man. You are choosing to feel that your husband is a ball and chain because you deal with the banalities of everyday life together. You probably knew that he was caustic, quick-tempered and a poor communicator when you married him. Take responsibility.
2. Why are you doing this?
You are unhappy with yourself so you are creating chaos in your life. Your sexting addiction is the symptom, not the real issue. That’s right, any compulsive behavior that we feel like we cannot control is an addiction.
Sometimes we can’t tell the difference between distraction and attraction. It’s easier to let your fingers get hot and heavy with someone irrelevant than to address the issues between you and your real life flesh and blood man. If you don’t want to be contacting me in a couple of years for coaching and advice about husband number three, end this now.
Some women choose men eight years younger because they’re young at heart, their man matured earlier or he’s who she happened to fall in love with. You seem like you might have issues with emotional maturity. Playing house via text with your old dude may help you avoid fears you have about aging. You may be living vicariously in his seemingly young, carefree and trifling life.
You say that your current husband would never cheat or hit you as if that’s a bonus. This should be a given. The fact that your ex treated you like garbage and you’re still in his life means that you agree with him.
3. What should you do now?
The words “get your life” never meant more. You deserve to be fully happy and present in your life with your king. You are clearly unhappy with your current husband. Be honest with him and address these problems. Tell him that you are in a couple crisis. Invest in couple’s therapy so that you both have a relationship that is rich, full and honest.
You should also invest in self-esteem coaching or counseling. You need to change your opinions about yourself before anyone else can. Find joy in your life so you won’t have to seek out cheap thrills. Healing modalities like meditation, fitness and yoga, extreme self-care, traveling and adventurous, new experiences are not trivial to creating a dream life.
Let your abusive, drug-swilling ex go. The only person abusing you right now is you. Turn the mirror on yourself and see that you are everything you accuse these men of: You are the poor communicator. You are the so-called “bad girl.” You are the cheater. (See my recent advice to a woman caught in a love triangle with her ex.)
Woman up, love. Here’s a website for the 12-step organization Love Addicts Anonymous. Please find a meeting near you today.
You are a brilliant and shining diamond, my friend. Stop treating yourself like a cubic zirconia. We have to to do better. It’s time to evolve.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.