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Plus Size Model in the City: I Wish I Could Just Erase Him...

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Hi!!! Where have you been?? Just kidding! I know I am the one who has been missing in action. Truth is, I’ve been traveling a bit and then I was sick for a minute. ~PAUSE~ I know some of you are saying “SO! That never stopped you before.” True. ~PLAY~ 

Anyway, let’s get right to it. I was just talking with a friend who was venting about a guy she slept with. They were secretly getting it on for a few weeks and without any concrete reason or warning they just stopped. “Can you believe I still have not heard from him?”  (Note: she hasn’t reached out either) “I’m so mad I had sex with him.  He wasn’t worth it. Now I have to add another person to my list. I wish I could just erase him!” I laughed when she said that because I can relate.

I remember reading once that a woman’s vagina is like a windowpane. Each time a woman has sex with a man, it’s like putting a finger print on her window. Have you ever seen a dirty window with fingerprints all over it?! So unpleasant. I’ve always said… “I do not want all those prints on my window!” And I am actually very comfortable with my “number.” However, I am well aware of the “I wish HE never happened” syndrome.

As I get older I have a better understanding of whom and what I want. ~PAUSE~ On a good day! I would be a damn liar if I said I’m clear on what I can and cannot deal with in a relationship. I mean, I am in one now and sometimes he does things and I wonder, “Can I deal with this for the rest of my life? Is this a non-negotiable?” Every day I am changing and what I can and cannot tolerate changes. At this point I have realized that it’s not what I can deal with, but what I am willing to deal with that matters most. Because I can deal with a lot, but there are certain things that I choose not to… and I will not! I digress ~PLAY~ There are men that I have dated and in hindsight, I cannot believe they were ever even an option. BUT there is that one who I wish I never slept with. Like I wish I could spray some Windex on him and erase him from my windowpane. Not solely because he was a waste of time, but…

He was terrible in bed. Some men are headaches, but you enjoy their company and they have great conversation and they put it down in the bedroom. So the headache is manageable if it means getting more of that good companionship, a few laughs and a Christian Grey in the bedroom from time-to-time. ~PAUSE~ If you have not read the book Fifty Shades of Grey, you might want to pick it up. I totally enjoyed it. It is not a Pulitzer Prize winning book. It is, however, entertaining. At least I thought it was. And it is sure to give you a few ideas for role playing or new things to try in the bedroom! ~PLAY~ But he was no Christian Grey and his companionship, over time, proved to be pretty wack too. So why the hell did I sleep with him you ask? Well, he was really in to me at first. And he was sweet and attentive and he called often and when we went out we had a good time and I was lonely and he gave me something to do… at the time. I guess I thought I liked him. He definitely had Brooklyn swag. ~PAUSE~ I’m from up Top. (That would be New York to you out-of-towners who were confused.) And let me tell you something… There is something to be said for this NY swagger. (Yes, I’m over the word swag too, but what else should I use?) And a Brooklyn swag is like the cherry on top for a girl like me! ~PLAY~ Anyway! He used to kiss me like we were in high school having a make-out session; getting me all excited and ready to go, but never going all the way.

However, when we did finally go all the way, I wanted to give it back! I was so disappointed. Now, I am mature enough to know that sometimes the first time isn’t the best. So I tried one more time a few weeks later and… NO GOOD!

One day, I had to check him on something and we got into an argument. The days following we kind of faded to black. The short lived affair had ended. He called a few times, but I was over him. I mean honestly, what was he good for? There was nothing about him that made me miss him. The only lasting impression was negative… I wished he had not happened. Like my friend I wanted to erase of own man.

Truthfully, I have. Not from my “number,” I’m always honest about that, but the memory of him went away. Until today…

Oh the memories… I really do need to keep writing my book. I need more space and pages to really share the details of my life’s stories and emotions!

Smiling…

XO~

PSM

Twitter: @PlusSizeModelNY

Facebook: PlusSizeModelintheCity

Drop me a line if you'd like: PlusSizeModel2010@gmail.com

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