There is a middle ground between your ideal mate and the man you dread. A woman on here says she's 23 with 3 degrees and wants someone with AT LEAST what she has. I've been to colleges in 2 states married a DR.-MD and met tons of people and never meet a 23 y/o with 3 degrees. I know hundreds of black degree holders of both genders and never meet one with 3 at 23. She'd have to meet every grad across the country to have the chance to meet someone like her. Almost impossible.

The women on here have been vicious to the black man. It's funny how you think changing the standards by which you judge a man makes you think you'll only have unemployed,short, broke, uninteresting, serial players to date. BS. Maybe women should have different standards- not lower standards. Try thinking of a man as more than someone to make your friends jealous with. If you were worried about your own happiness and not how fly you'd look with this type of dude you'd only worry about finding an employed man who promised to love you and treat you right.

There are some very interesting comments. Very thoughtful. Others are just downright funny, such as "there is nothing wrong with the women, the men need fixing". I've been discussing this topic with a few women recently and the story always seems to be the same thing. I ask why so many "successful" women are single and the reply is always a list of things that are wrong with black men. These TV specials are feeding into the BS that many women want to believe. It's divide and conquer. grab a black woman by the shoulder and say "hey...I feel your pain. You have everything a man could want...those no good black men are the problem, and we have stats to prove it". The word "standards" has been used 50-leven times in this debate. No...you shouldn't settle for less than you feel you deserve. But I believe in personal accountability. If you aren't in a relationship, part of the problem might just lie within you. I don't know any of you personally, but I do know that many women I know have real problems with accountability. If a man cheats it's because he's a dog. But if a woman cheats it's because her man wasn't taking care of everything at home. If a single mom raises a respectable child...she wants the praise (as she should)...but if she raises a criminal, then it's the absent fathers fault. No wrongdoing on the part of the mother who was actually in the house with him. Yes...there are a lot of bruthas out there that just aren't right. But there are more good men than you acknowledge.

To quote a good friend of mine...."I don't have a problem, it's these janky men who don't fit my standards who have a problem"

hahaha...I got a good laugh when she told me that.

Thank you for your input bother, but I must disagree with some of your ideas. I am a 23 yr old black woman who has 3 degrees, a career, my own car (not a benz, but its paid for), my own place (its not a palace but its mine), and I do attend church regularly but I am still a very down to earth person. I do not see anything wrong with only wanting a man who AT LEAST has what I have. I have been very understanding of the fact that I may be a little ahead of the game and that some men's values may be different from mine so I try to relax my standards, but why? Men have standards too, and many of them are just as unrealistic as the standards you listed that you think black women have. Some accomplished men I have come across have many expectations for women, and a lot of those standards cancel black women like me out. And then some of the other men don't have any standards except that a woman is ridiculously thick, but with no stomach. Maybe good things would happen if some black men would relax their standards to fit the black woman and other men would get some standards.

I totally disagree with this article. It represents the stereotype that many black men and other races have about black women. That we are materialistic. When in fact, we only want our men to be men. We want men who are as accomplished as we are. We want men we can look up to and admire. Our men should be our inspiration.

That is not true for black women in America. We are forced to be the stronger members of the race by raising children independently, being ahead of black men in college admissions, and simply following the law and staying out of jail. Ultimately, we get punished and reprimanded when we do what men have forced us to do: Be strong independent women with goals and standards. I beg that black men stop writing these "what you could do better" articles to black women.

Instead, you should start writing "Be a contribution to your race" letters to black men. Write articles teaching them how to love women properly. Encouraging them to attend college and get careers and not jobs. Teach them to be stronger men, instead of looking for weaker women.

That would help bring the black race to 1/4th of what it was during MLK days.

This is completely insane!!! Brother Joel what a let down this article was. I'm 20 years old. Yes I know that I haven't been in the game that long but I already know what I want in a man. There were times when I thought my standards were high but later I found out that my standards weren't high enough. I've dated plenty of guys with no jobs, drama, no money, weren't attractive at all and a complete waste of space. Thankfully because of my mama I never slept with any of them. Like alot of women I'm waiting for my Prince to show one day. I've kissed sooo many ugly toads its not even a joke. And I'm through with lowering my standards for guys that aren't even worth my time anymore. So please spare me the lecture of sistahs having their standards too high. My standards were never high enough. I know I deserve better because of what I'm willing to bring to the table. I want him to bring the same if more to the table as well. I know I have a long way to go before I find my one true love but men remember that you'll have to kiss a few ugly female toads to get your princess. But at the same time if sistahs have to be realistic brothas have to be the same way. Don't always expect your dream to be a beyonce powerhouse with a booty and breast to Mars. Just be more open and willing to accept her the way she is. Women are tired of being flexible.

Lol...Liz...the comments are pretty angry. Most Black women tend to get upset when they are told over and over again that their standards are too high. In truth, I agree 100% with T Marshall. Black men need to step up to the plate. I am sick of reading these articles that tend to make any black woman with standards sound like a gold digger. I am positive that most of us do not have a list of ridiculous expectations like 1. a certain car; 2. a certain degree; 3. a certain income; 4. a certain personality; and 5. a certain credit score. Honestly, I will take an "Obama" any day...I am not talking about a "Pres. Obama!" I am talking about a brother with a degree or license, any degree or license, and no children. Having a degree is an investment into your future. It says a lot about how you view the world and your future contribution to society. A man with a degree or a license has a plan for his life. In today's world you have to have a skill. I will take a brother with a mechanic license...I don't care...but I am not going to settle for the 27 year old with two children who is "thinking about going back to school" or working as a manager at McDonald's...WTF you are 27 - get it together. The problem is most black women WANT a black man, but black men are not willing to put in the effort to get a black woman - they have easier options. I have an older brother and I talk to him about it all the time. He says black women are too difficult to get...they aren't interested in him so he only goes after white women with no standards which guarantees he will get "some." My brother is currently unemployed and does not have a degree...he refuses to step up to the plate and the problem is...he doesn't have to. How can a successful Black woman, like myself, with very low standards compete with a woman with no standards. I can't. So, I am slowly beginning to date outside my race and it is kind of exciting! Black women...be fearless and find a man that meets your standards whether he be black or some other race. Go get YOURS!

BLACK MEN, stop telling black women that they have high expectations, when in reality, you all just need to step up. What is so wrong with an educated black woman wanting to be with an educated black man and together be capable of obtaining the finier things in life? Stop making the black women feel bad or apologize for her accomplishment because you have not accomplished what she has, we all have a choice as to how we want to live our lives and many of you choose not to do what it takes to better yourself. Then in the end, you want the black women to settle for you. I personally, do not expect from my mate anything that I have not accomplished. Black women and men, lets stay strong together and support each other. Lastly, let go and let God!

I am a 26 year old single black women living in Atlanta and reading this article just makes me sad... I always tell my friends I only ask a man to have what I have nothing more nothing less... 1. A job, 2. A car 3. College educated, 4. self sufficent 5. No Children... I am always being told my standards are too high why is it too hight for men but not to high for me?

Ladies, what the author is saying quite simply is to apply some realism to what you expect in a gentleman and avoid piling on layers of unreasonable expectations. He is NOT suggesting that you lower common sense standards, like requiring your potential mate to have a decent education, decent job, show a level of responsibility and maturity, etc. But what he is suggesting is to avoid taking it to the extreme - "he must make 6-figures", drive a "nice" car, etc. Another way of saying it, say you took all the attributes the author mentions in his "Sleeping Beauty" fantasies and if I were to say I can get you the "perfect" guy in every other sense but you can only have 2 things on that list, what would you choose and why?
Does he REALLY have to drive an X-model car? I drive a '99 Civic 'cause it's in excellent condition, fuel-efficient, paid for and low/cheap maintenance, meanwhile my 2300+ sqft house is half-way paid off. Let's be honest here, how many of you would give me a second look with me and my Civic compared to a brother pushing a Lex yet living in an apartment? Don't think we guys don't notice these things, which is exactly why the "playahs" drive the fancy cars they can't afford. Another one - "He can't be short?" Why? I've looked at enough sisters' profiles on dating websites to know that the height thing is apparently a big deal with sisters - I've even seen/heard 5' 4" sisters saying they won't respond to anyone under 6". Is "I don't want to be taller than him when I'm in heels" a good reason to overlook someone?
All this author is saying is try to avoid piling on needless requirements because in the end you might eliminate guys who might otherwise turn out to be good gentlemen and great match.

I am a single 33yr. old black woman with no kids. I don't mind a man with a child or two but if he is not taking care of them,we have nothing to talk about. I'm saved and I love the Lord, therefore I do not sleep around. This is a problem with many men. I changed careers , I have one month before I finish paramedic school Some men are satisfied with a min. wage job, but I like the finer things in life. Saying all that to say, all brothers are not bad but they're not all good either and the same things goes for the sisters. You just have to find the one that works for you. GOD BLESS (chajuanas@yahoo.com)

The material requirements and checklists are really a symptom of the larger issue of, Attitude. Unfortunately, many sisters who have been done wrong in the past bring their baggage and defensiveness to the table. These checklists effectively represent a 'Guilty until proven otherwise' approach. Good people are but off by that. What would be the major harm in giving a decent guy who approaches you in a respectable manner a chance (even if he does not initially Appear to meet your list)? All that glitters isn't necessarily gold; and all gold doesn't necessarily glitter!

The material requirements and checklists are really a symptom of the larger issue of, Attitude. Unfortunately, many sisters who have been done wrong in the past bring their baggage and defensiveness to the table. These checklists effectively represent a Guilty until proven otherwise approach. Recognize that while your instinctt o protect your

So, it's now unrealistic for a black woman to be treated like a queen? That's not something we should strive for anymore? I say BULL**** to that attitude, that is the problem with black men today: they want to do everything half-arsed and we should be ssssooooooo grateful for the little but of attention that they pay us. Pathetic.

The day that I ever lower my expectations that my KING will treat me like a QUEEN is the day I stop dating.

Elle,
On behalf of the REAL MEN out here, I just wanted to let you know that there are real men (husbands and fathers) out here who are trying to break through the deception that is holding our "men" in a mental state of captivity. But just like the prophets of old, most folk ain't trying to hear what we're trying to say. I say most folks because, like the men, too many women have bought into this new found sexual freedom that plays right into "men's" hands.
Ladies, you got the power to turn this thing around. It seems like every ten years, the things yall (not all) let brothers get away with just keeps shifting in the wrong direction. At 44, I'm shocked to see and hear what is considered ok in this FWB generation.
It is time for sisters to say "no". It is what I have taught my daughters (17 15 13 10 7) to say when approached by these sorry excuses for boys. These same boys become sorry excuses for men. I work with young dads and teach them what true love is (ain't got nothing to do with feelings). The vast majority of the men I work with received little to no teaching from a a man, much less a father. Boys learn from boys who learned from other boys. They become men whose knowledge is confirmed by their "boys". It is a vicious, ignorant cycle that has repeated itself over the decades.
What women need and want today is the same level of commitment and loyalty that we have learned to give our "Boys". My son (5) and future son in laws will, with Gods help, be my greatest students. In the meantime, as we Real Men make every effort to shine some light in this dark world, you ladies must put our "men" on notice and let them know you are not going to settle anymore. Short term temporary pleasures only lead to long term pain. Hold on to your love.
-Pappi