Intimacy Intervention: ‘Every Time I Have Sex With My Boyfriend, All I Can Think About Is My Ex’

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Now this is what you call a seriously awkward situation. Sexpert Abiola returns with answers!

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

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I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 7 months - and I love him very much. He is a great guy. I don’t think that I have ever felt this loved in a relationship before. And I am 42 years old! The issue is a sexual one. Everything seems hot and steamy between us but for some reason, whenever we are intimate, all i can think of is my ex boyfriend. My ex and I broke up about 6 months before I started dating my man now. He was basically a piece of ish who treated me like garbage for the whole 4 years we were together. I felt so badly damaged after the relationship that I really was planning to be single for a few years - then my current love swept me off my feet. I don’t think about my POS ex EVER, EVER, EVER, except for when I am in bed with my man. Of course, my boyfriend can sense it and says that I seem distant and removed. What is my problem? My ex and my current are like apples and zebras. My ex was a lying, cheating, vindictive and abusive sociopath. But the sex was hot. My current is a loving, kind, well-mannered, generous and empathetic man, but the sex is lukewarm. I have always dated bad boys and this is my first relationship with a real man. He’s talking marriage and kids and I don’t want to mess it up. Biological clockwise, I also don’t have years to sit around pondering this. We plan to get pregnant ASAP.  HELP!


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Ex Files


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Dear Sacred Bombshell,

Congrats on finding a partner that makes your heart, mind, and soul sing. Now we have to get your sexual self on board. My beautiful queen, you need to create a Bad Boy Rehab for yourself. This man does not turn you on. If we are in a relationship where we have deservability issues, we will inevitably sabotage the relationship. Being with a good guy is new for you. You are worthy and deserving of a great relationship with someone who cares deeply for you. You also deserve to have all the pleasure in the world in the boudoir. To figure out why you were attracting under-developed menfolk in the first place, I would recommend you begin working with a therapist immediately. She can help you to peel back the layers so that you break patterns that have blocked your happiness in the past. We date at the levels of our self-esteem. You and your boyfriend may want to experiment with role playing. If he can bring the rough and rugged alpha dog energy that turns you on to the bedroom, I suspect that your ex will be the last thing on your mind. Give yourself and your man permission to explore other personas and power exchange in your love life. If your man is down for this experiment, you get the best of both worlds, your gentleman in the living room and your bad boy in the bedroom. Sounds good? Take some sexy classes together, watch videos at Kink Academy online, visit a women-friendly sex shop and let your imagination take you to new heights together! Meanwhile, I will hold a vision for you living and walking in the love you deserve with your beautiful future baby.

Passionately yours,


Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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