I know about his girlfriend and I've warned her of his behavior but I can't stay away from him. What should I do?

Dr. Sherry
Jun, 02, 2017

You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...

Dear Dr. Sherry,

I have been separated from my husband for six years now.  He has a new girlfriend that he's been dating for the last year. During the time that he has been dating her, he and I have been sleeping together with a no strings attached agreement. I have no problem with our arrangement but recently the girlfriend came to my house unannounced and asked me if we were still sleeping together. Although I did feel bad at the time, I did not answer her question but instead told her she should take it up with him. I did her that my husband and I are still married and have been for 15 years. Apparently she was not aware that we were still married because my husband had been lying to her about his relationship status. 

I felt guilty, stopped sleeping with my husband and then messaged her to confess. I admitted that we were still sleeping together and have been for quite some time. I also elaborated further in the message to tell her that he is doing to her exactly what he did to me which was the reason why I left him. He is a serial cheater/sex addict. I warned her of the things that he's done to me and said most likely he will do these to you as well but you should make a decision that works for you based on your own judgment and the information that I just gave you.

Because I just couldn't stay away, I started sleeping with my husband again approximately two weeks after this whole mess occurred. A few weeks after that, I found out that she has gone back to him. Neither of us is smarter than the other but I was wondering if I should again bring it to her attention that we never stopped sleeping together. Do I just leave him alone and let them figure it out on their own. It sucks that I'm still married to him technically and yet I'm sitting here watching him do the very same thing that he did to me to someone else. I know I shouldn't be sleeping with him but it is convenient. HELP!

Sincerely,

Still married but now " the other woman" to my husband

Hey sis, 

You have a lot of drama going on in your life and you are playing the lead character. Your role is one of being the victim of your husband's wrongdoing and you remain because the sex is convenient. Convenient? Really? If you honestly believe that convenience is the only reason you keep sleeping with your estranged husband, you are lying to yourself.  Convenience has very little if anything to do with you taking the time to message his girlfriend to confess to sleeping with him and to "warned her" of the things that he's done to you and that he is a "serial cheater/sex addict." That really does not sound like someone who is only having sex because it is convenient.

The truth is that you have a lot of unfinished business with your husband and you are still in love with him. The fact that you consider him a serial cheater/sex addict who has emotionally hurt you has not stopped you from being with him. You may have physically separated from him but emotionally you never left. That is part of the reason you have not divorced after being separated for six years. Your communications with his girlfriend are your efforts to run her away from him. When that did not work, you continue to have sex with him knowing that he is also sleeping with his girlfriend. If you do not like the drama, change your role. In order to make changes, you have to understand your role. I suggest you seek individual therapy to process and understand your role and to resolve unfinished business with your husband. --Dr. Sherry 

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