Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year and I’m really feeling him. We are in love and super affectionate. Sex is good. Here’s the deal. My boyfriend really, really wants to have booty sex. It seems like this is the main way he can get pleasure from the way he explains it.
I am considering it but I feel uncomfortable. I am a booty virgin and I’m really scared. Like, if I had booty sex, what would everyone think? What are my girls gonna think? We always said we would never do that. What would my sisters think? They think any man who wants anal sex is gay. Plus I’ve always been the one they called Miss Innocent. What would my mom think? My mom preaches that biblically, that part of your body is an exit only. Then my white girlfriends act like everybody has anal sex.
Is it going to hurt? I am TERRIFIED. Anywhoo, I am not going to be able to hold my man off much longer. He keeps pressuring me so I need to make a decision.
Should I have booty sex with my boyfriend or not? Do you think this means he might have gay tendencies? What should I do?
Miss Shy Booty
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Take a deep breath, gorgeous. Right now your bedroom is seeming like a clown car with everybody and your mother weighing in. Like they say, opinions are like buttholes (pun intended), and everybody has one. Take your time. Your boyfriend should not be pressuring you to make a decision. If you are not feeling it, don’t do it. Don’t ever make a personal decision based on what you think everyone else is doing or not doing. For the record, there is nothing wrong with booty sex, but no, everyone is not doing it.
My queen, there are far too many people in your bedroom without your permission. With all due respect to everyone you ever met, none of them get a vote on what happens in your bedroom. You alone must make a choice for what works best for you. And no, your man’s interest in anal sex alone does not make him gay.
You need to decide what you want to do for yourself. There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to your sexuality. You have to do what is emotionally, physically, morally, and sexually right for you. Your body, your pleasure, your choices, your way as a consenting adult. Own your “heck no” or your “heck yes.”
If you do decide for yourself that you want to get your booty sex on, go for it! Enjoy it fully. Here are a few goddess rules that may be helpful:
1. Talk it out.
Have an open and honest conversation with your man about this. I respect the fact that you are open with your family and your friends, but the only person you’re obligated to discuss your sex life with is your partner! Be clear about your limits and boundaries.
Share your wants, dislikes, fears, anxieties - and most importantly, your pleasures and DESIRES. That’s right. You have a sacred right to your own desires. What do you WANT to do?
2. Hygiene is key.
Be meticulous with your booty hygiene. If you’re going to explore anal sex, you want to make sure you have a clean anus, right? It sounds basic, but you’d be surprised what some folks have told me. You may want to try an douche like Healthy Vibes Anal Douche. (link: http://amzn.to/2byZiHZ)
It’s also key to remember that nothing should go from your butt area to your vaginal area, not his penis, condoms, fingers, toys, mouth, nada… Booty play and yoni play - never the twain shall meet. Just like you wouldn’t wipe back to front, you want to make sure that you are not cross contaminating your body. This could create a serious infection.
Also, safe sex still applies. Although you obviously can’t get pregnant from just anal sex, your safe sex practices should still apply. Use a condom.
3. Get a good lube.
We have natural lubrication in our vaginas. Not so in your booty. For anal penetration, you will need lots of lubrication. Do your research. One popular lubricant is Anal-Eze. Some anal lubes like Passion Lubes Maximum Strength Anal Desensitizing Lube and Cleanstream Relax Desensitizing Anal Lube also provide a light numbing effect. However, you may want to consider that your body needs the pain factor to let you know when something is going wrong. The anus and rectum are a very delicate area.
4. Start small.
You may not want to go full on anal intercourse right away. You can start with finger play, anilingus and massage. These are also complete practices by themselves and not necessarily a ramp up to anything else. You can also incorporate smaller toys into your sessions and work your way up to penis penetration.
You can try the toys yourself to increase your comfort -- and your pleasure, of course. A couple of toys you may want to try include: Naughty Plug Luxury Kit or Zabrina Alloy Anal Pleasure Butt Plug. You can start smaller and work your way up to larger sizes.
5. Have fun!
Relax. It’s your body and it’s your life. It is your choice to say yes or no.
Look at you, owning your sexuality, your pleasure and your desires. Yes! Above all, my darling, to thine own self be true.
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.