Essence

Credit: Peter Chin Nicole Paultre grasps a photograph of her, Sean and their children. She was photographed for exclusively for ESSENCE.

The day before Nicole Paultre and Sean Bell were to get married, life was good. There was none of the petty bickering that goes on between most nervous couples. Nicole’s dress, a white sleeveless gown she had purchased just weeks earlier, was pressed and ready. She had even prepared her own version of a song—Mary J. Blige’s "Be Without You"—to sing to Sean, the father of her two girls.

That afternoon Bell kissed Nicole and their little girls goodbye before dropping them off at her mother’s home on Long Island, where she was holding the bridal shower that evening. He called her later that day, as he always did, still debating whether or not to bother going out for a bachelor party before finally resolving to go. For all Nicole knew, the day the two had been waiting for, the day her beloved had secretly planned by himself as a surprise, had come. She went to bed that night happily anticipating her special day. Then around 4:00 A.M., her mother, visibly shaken, rushed into her room.

"Something happened to Sean," she said. "I don’t know what, but your sister just called. We have to go to the hospital." The panicked family hurried out of the house, not even knowing which hospital to go to, let alone what was going on. They assumed that Sean had been in a car accident. Never could they have imagined news that would be far worse.

When ESSENCE first sat down with Nicole, 22, on Thursday, we noticed her stoic demeanor, how she chose her words carefully. But beneath the brave shield there were raw emotions she couldn’t hide. She was dressed simply in a soft brown sweater, black pants and boots, her only accessories a button with Sean’s face on it and her engagement ring and wedding band. At one point during the conversation she paused to wipe away tears. "I’m sorry," she whispered. Often when she spoke of Sean, she would slip into the present tense, as if he were still here. At times she gazed into space, somber, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Even the sounds of her 3-year-old daughter, Jada, playing in the next room didn’t seem to pierce the fog. Perhaps Nicole’s mother, Laura Harper-Paultre, who sat nearby her daughter during our interview, put it best: "She’s doing all this rushing around, every day. She doesn’t really get a chance to think. But when she’s alone and she stops, the darkness comes over her."

Here in Nicole’s first print interview, she talks about her love for Sean, their life together and the tragedy that has changed her forever.

ESSENCE: How have you been?

Nicole: Never in a million years did I imagine this would happen to my family. This is all new for me. I’m trying to be strong for my girls. It’s difficult sometimes waking up in the morning, and every night is tough, but I have to be strong for my family. Now my main focus is taking care of Jada and Jordyn. I keep that in my head, that I have to raise my family now.

When Jada’s father passed away, I told her, "Jada, Daddy’s in heaven, and he’s an angel." It’s hard for her to understand, but every once in a while she looks up in the sky and she waves to Daddy.

ESSENCE: When did you meet Sean?

Nicole: We met at John Adams High School in Queens when I was 16. He was a year ahead of me, and his smile caught my attention. He was a star baseball pitcher at school. He came up to me one day between periods, and his line was, "How ya doing? I like those pants." It was so funny. But there was something about him. He’s just really charming, such a sweet guy. We clicked right away.

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