You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Dear Dr. Sherry,
My fiancé and I have been together for four years and are getting married in three months. He has gained weight over the years and uses it as a reason for our lack of a sex life. He had gained a bit of weight before, but I never showed that to be an issue for me. I always tell him how sexy I find him to be and try to initiate sex, but he always has an excuse—things like, he's "too tired," it's "too cold," "later" (which never happens), or he's "too busy" (usually with video games). He’ll even say "not now” when I make advances. I have talked to him telling him how it makes me feel and asked him what's really going on. He said the reason he has so many excuses is because of his weight gain and how it makes him feel. I tell him repeatedly that his weight is really not an issue for me and I still find him as attractive as I did when we first met. (I really don't think he's gained that much, he's so tall you can't really see it). This does nothing to help, sadly. We only have sex once a month or even longer, and it is very brief and unsatisfying when we do. There's no creativity or desire on his part to make it last longer. I tell him we should try role play, play games or use toys, but he doesn't bother anymore. There's no foreplay and I honestly haven't "finished" in a very long time. I try to have seconds, but he barely wants firsts. There's also not that much affection in our daily lives. I try to get passionate kisses and instead I only get pecks. Our cuddling and hand-holding aren't that frequent either. I've tried everything I can think of how to spice up the sex and make it more frequent, but nothing seems to work. I'm just tired of this and I really need help. I'm marrying a man that no longer has passion and it worries me. He was never like this before; we used to have sex for hours five times a week. I just don't understand what is happening. What should I do? Is there any way to fix this? Or, is it just something I'm going to have to learn to live with?
Missing My Sex Life
Wait a minutes. Let’s back up. You do not have to just learn to live with it. First of all, you are not married to him. You may want to hold up in marrying and saying I do until you are clear about what is the real problem. Something is not adding up! You went from having sex for hours 5 times a week to almost no sex at all and he is using his weight gain as the excuse. Really? Most men would care less about their weight when it comes to sex. I may have half way bought his story if you had said that you had only been dating for a short time and he is a little self-conscious about his weight gain. But, you have been dating for four years and plan to marry in 3 months. Not on that, but it sounds as if you have tried everything short of sexually assaulting him to get his attention. Short of there being a medical problem that accounts for his lost of interest in sex, something is seriously wrong. If there was a medical problem, it is treatable but he must want the help. Sex is an important part of a relationship, especially a marriage. If he is this insensitive to your needs now, do you think it will get better after you marry? Why marry frustrated and unhappy, you have plenty of time for that later. I would recommend that you insist on him having a comprehensive physical medical examination. If he chooses not to have a physical examination, you need to make some decisions about remaining in the relationship. I would also recommend that you seek couples therapy to process issues. Things do not just change for no reason. Something more than weight gain is going on and you need to know. You deserve to be happy. So, why start a marriage unhappy? --Dr Sherry
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