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 “I don't even want him to cuddle me.” Yikes. What should she do?

Abiola Abrams
Feb, 23, 2016

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

Help! I’m not sexually attracted to my man. I have read and loved your advice column for many years and never thought I would be the one on the page asking for help.

After a year and a half of being apart, my boyfriend and I reunited and moved in together. I love him so much. We have so much fun. We share all the same interests and are always laughing together.

This man only wants to be there for my son and me. It’s beautiful. He's always putting us first. These are all things I should be thankful for -- and I am. 

Here’s the problem, Abiola: I cannot bring myself to be attracted to him. I have no problem kissing him and I do love him, but I cannot be intimate with him. I don't even want him to cuddle me. I don't have any sex drive with him.  

I’ve seen you mention in past columns that medication affects libido and yes, I am on medications that can affect sex drive. But I know that’s not the problem.

My boyfriend does a lot of things that irk me. I hate the way he chews and how much weight he has gained. Sometimes he tries to initiate things sexually and I get so pissed off I could die. I don't want to break up.

I’ve always been turned on in my past relationships. Most of my past relationships were actually abusive on many levels but I was still turned on. I still always wanted their sex or affection.  For example, I was with my last boyfriend a few months ago. He was selfish and turned into an asshole. But I wanted affection and we had sex.

I need help! And answers! Please.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Signed,

Don’t Touch Me, Mr. Nice Guy

Dear Sacred Bombshell,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out for support. Indeed, the reasons for loss of libido can be physical or psychological. You deserve to be in a hot and sexy relationship with your man.

But let me see if I have this right.

You have a great man who loves you and your child, puts you first, makes you life, and shares your interests, right? You have fun right up until you hit the bedroom door, right?

I hear this so much that I have to create a term for it. My darling, I have a new diagnosis for you that is as old as time. Dollface, you have “A.A.T.,  A-hole Attraction Syndrome.”

Yes, I said “A.A.T.,  A-hole Attraction Syndrome.”

You, like many queens, have been the Statue of Liberty of jerks. You may as well have, “Give me your tired, your poor, your B.S., lies, and excuses” stamped on your lingerie. I suggest either you get your butt into therapy today or that you release this man to find someone who will love him back fully.

Instead of looking at him, I suggest you look at yourself and your low self-esteem. Where does the voice come from that tells you that you don’t deserve to be fully loved? Why do you believe that you are inadequate? What kind of love do you feel you deserve?

There is NOTHING I can tell you to have you feel hot, sexy, and turned on by a man who irks and disgusts you. This is a faking-it free zone.

When a relationship moves into contempt, it’s a wrap. You know it, I know it, and every goddess reading these words knows it. When the way he chews starts annoying you, there’s practically no coming back. You are totally and completely turned off by Mr. Nice Guy.

I hold no judgment, sis. I have been there - many of us have. I just want you to get the yummy love you deserve.

Find a great coach, sex therapist, or counselor and work on these issues one-on-one. Meanwhile, I will hold a vision of you, whole, happy, and in love with a good man who loves, honors and cherishes you.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams
Courtesy of Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love, Manifest Your Miracles meditation album and African Goddess Affirmation Cards. The popular lifestyle guru is also the founder of the Sacred Bombshell Self-Care Kits, blog, web TV show, and online academy at SacredBombshell.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

More Advice From Abiola:

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