You Break Up, He Marries Her: What She's Doing That You Didn't

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ESSENCE's own Matchmaking Duo talk with hundreds of men a year about why they are so quick to move into another relationship after a big breakup. What they've found: sometimes it's not what his ex did wrong but what his new lady did right.

The scenario is all too familiar: You’ve been in a stagnant relationship with a man you someday hope to marry, and then suddenly things come to an end. The next thing you know, he’s married to someone else. Statistics show that men who exit a relationship are committed exclusively or even married again within 18-24 months. It hurts, and it’s often difficult to understand. Contrary to what the public believes, a woman isn’t automatically to blame when this happens—it’s complicated and there is no placing blame.

As professional matchmakers, we screen and talk to hundreds of single men, and many are single again after a divorce or a failed relationship. Why do men move on quickly after a breakup? Sometimes it’s not about what his ex did wrong, but rather what he believes his new wife did right.

Today we’re sharing the inside scoop on what our male clients tell us are the main reasons why they move on so fast. We hope it will be helpful insight for any woman who may have found herself in this situation before.

Men say, the next woman…

Builds Him Up
Woman enjoy being uplifted in a relationship, and men do too. When someone tells you daily that you are amazing, handsome, intelligent and strong, it starts to resonate. What you are doing is planting the seed of all that you see in him and who you want him to become and eventually the seed will harvest and grow! Regardless of what he hears out in the world, he will believe that he is all of these great things, and most often, he will want to stay where he is being fed.

Supports His Dreams
Let’s say your man is a great provider but has always dreamed of becoming a chef, a motivational speaker, or an author for instance. That’s where his real passion lies. Ask questions and seem interested in what he has to say. Most times he wants someone to be an active listener and perhaps offer some suggestions of how you can help him create a road map for success. Even a small surprise gift of a “How to” book or handing him a little research you’ve done in your area supporting his dream will go a long way and show you’re on his team cheering him on.

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Creates Memories
We’ve said this a million times, and we’ll say it a million more, create memories with him. Plan trips/dates outside the box. Zip lining, rock climbing, horseback riding, sushi classes, a quick getaway to explore a major city nearby, or even golf or tennis lessons together. Those are memorable moments and you will never be forgotten.

Is Spontaneous
Monotony equals boring! We encourage you to try something different and at the spur of the moment, including sex!  If you consistently eat the same food, at the same time every day…you become tired of it. Break it up. Explore each other's body in a different room, place, time of day, etc.

“Blows” His Mind
Lose the inhibitions! If you’re married, let it go. Give yourself permission to be free, sexy and explore.  Take the time to discover what he likes and share with him how he can please you. At the end of the day, if you’re both completely satisfied it lessens temptation to look elsewhere.

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Always Looks Fab
Let’s face it, there will always be someone cuter to him or even more handsome to you, so everyone needs to exercise will power and love each other enough to keep it moving. But what you can do, since men are visual, keep your look updated and don’t get into that “comfortable” mode where you let yourself go just because you’ve been together for a while. Looking your best will translate into confidence and staying that fun girlfriend he once met. That means put in “extra” effort with your hair, make-up, clothes and positive attitude not just for work or going out, but show him how important he is too by looking your best for him also.

Inserts Herself Into His World
Invite his family, friends, colleagues and children over if he has some from a previous relationship. Engage in conversation with them and get to know him from different perspectives.  These laid-back gatherings and conversations can help you better understand him and what makes him tick. And hey, when you have multiple people on your side who can see you have his best interest at heart, you can’t lose.

Offers Solutions in Arguments
We have a way of wanting to be heard but sometimes it may come across as nagging by giving too many details while sharing our heart. We suggest when having heated discussions, be very detailed and brief and come to the bargaining table with solutions along with the problems so he can clearly see not only what’s wrong but how he can fix it.

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Makes Him One Of Their Priorities
If your schedule is hectic with work, committees, and family obligations; he needs to feel like he matters. Designate specific days and times just for him so he feels important and can be reminded that he is a priority. Whether it’s when the kids go to sleep or early in the morning right before work, it doesn’t have to be long. Sometimes it may be a long embrace and kiss before you leave or another time might be watching your favorite program together uninterrupted. It could even be a brisk walk together hand in hand after work, just sharing your day.

Allows Herelf To Be Vulnerable
Does he know the real you? Does he know what's important to you and what you’re passionate about?  Does he know your triggers and why you blow up from 0-60 about certain issues or things he does as opposed to other things that don’t matter as much? Have you shared your wants, desires, needs and aspirations with him? If not, you may want to give him drips of you to start but be fully present and let him into your world.

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Nurtures Him
Hey, bring out all the stops. Yes we said it, wow him with your favorite dish that only you make. Perhaps even make a signature dish and title it something just for him so that he feels special and yes ladies, make his plate every once in a while.  He needs to continue to envision you as his wife and not just a business partner, roommate, or buddy to kick it with, which so often happens over time.

We say, go all in in the beginning. Lead with your best foot forward, but the key is continuing it throughout the relationship. Most often when you start out on a high, the feeling is reciprocal and he will follow by treating you like the Queen that you are and you will remain irresistible. When you’re doing your best on your end, another woman would be hard pressed to get his attention. And even if she did, you can walk away free and clear knowing you gave it your all and he wasn’t worth another second of your time or energy because you are the bomb and he missed out on meeting you halfway.

Here’s to love!

For more dating advice from The Matchmaking DUO visit their blog here.

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