Intimacy Intervention: ‘I Didn’t Know I Was His Mistress, But Now I Just Don’t Care!’

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Is this reader dead wrong or just stuck in an awful situation? You tell us!

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I have a mistress confession to make; to myself, to God and to you as someone who can help and guide me.

I met and fell for this man about 15 years ago. At the time he was (not married) only living with someone. So I left him alone. I didn't want to be the other woman. Well, recently I met up with him again. I couldn't believe after all that time I still had feelings for him. I asked about his current situation and he said he still wasn’t married.

We have been in a non-stop intimate and emotional relationship for 6 months now. We have been screwing (and everything else) every chance we get. I thought he was EVERYTHING I was praying for. Then I got a phone call at work. The number called 3 times back to back. Then I get a text: “I found your number in my husband’s phone. I'm trying to figure out what he has been hiding.”

I was shocked, hurt, and felt like dying. All I can do is cry because I love this man. I trusted him enough to loan him money and I spent all my time with him.

So I call to confront him and he yells, “What did you say to her?! Don't tell her nothing! Don't call or text her back!” In my mind I'm going, “WTF?” So I returned her text with A LIE. I told her we are coworkers and just friends. I said we only converse about our sick parents --  sort of like a support group. This was partially true but I left out the fact we were SCREWING every other day, among other things.

After a while he finally gets back in touch with me. He reveals that he was “forced to marry her because she was pregnant.” She is “not his type.” They “don't get along.” They “don't kiss or have sex.” She is a “terrible cook” and he “never is seen with her in public.” They “have a marriage in name and finance only.” He only stays because she’ll take away his 2 year old if they divorce. He THANKS me for lying to her, saying “I knew you would have my back, baby.”

Abiola, I am so hurt and so confused and feel so dumb for believing he would give me the happiness I deserve. He keeps asking me to wait for him. But why should I stay with him and only get half of him?

I did take a little insurance with me. I have videos of my EVERY encounter with him, pictures of him and his car in my driveway, receipts from our various hotel stays, texts and recorded conversations with him. I don't want him to one day say this whole thing was one-sided. Or for him to think he has gotten away with anything.

He keeps saying he is going to leave his wife. He doesn't want me to be with any other man but he continues to sleep with her. Meanwhile, we are still “together.” Please help.

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Sacred Bombshell,

My heart goes out to you in sympathy, compassion and sisterhood. The help you seek can only come from you. Maybe you were there for that lady’s husband but you have not been there for yourself, sis. You have been sexually and emotionally duped by a master manipulator. I know that you feel like you are alone in your ordeal but you are not.

This is a story as old as time. Sadly, this cheater couldn’t even come up with a more original group of lies than the same ole, same ole. The song this man is singing will have a familiar ring to many because there is nothing unique about him, his situation, his lovemaking, or his tired lies. There is nothing unique about you lying to his wife to protect him. There is nothing new about him wanting you to wait for his pipe dreams (no pun intended) to materialize. If his wife is not his type -- then how did she get pregnant in the first place?

So he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and your loans in his pockets. Maybe you were in the dark until the wife called you. But at that point, my queen, you became a co-conspirator in your own degradation. By sending those lying texts to his wife, you not only betrayed her, but you betrayed yourself. You got played. It happens to the best of us. But what happens next, gorgeous? That is what matters most. You deserve much better.

A man who leaves his wife for his mistress has only created a vacancy in the mistress position. Right now, beautiful one, you can walk away with your heart broken, your garments tear-stained, and your thought process little wiser. Thankfully, you have no children together.

Gather up the fragments of your dignity and move on. It hurts like hell but you will heal. Grieve the loss of this “relationship.” Grieve the loss of your innocence/ignorance. Grieve the karmic betrayal chain you have been a part of. Love up on your own heart chakra -  and then let the healing begin. Let this ending be a new beginning for you. Send the “evidence” to a friend for safekeeping, if you must, but delete it. He can sort out his own mess.

Special sisterly warning: Do not become like this loser who has hurt you. Find a therapist, coach, or a support group for yourself. I recommend you find someone who specializes in this area, such as Tinzley Bradford, ‘The Settle-Free Dating Coach.’ Find her at: MenWomenDatingFromTinzley.com. There is great love awaiting in your hot pink future. You won’t be able to see it if you remain linked to this pathetic dude.

Rise up for the sake of yourself and step into your own power. I see you wiser, stronger, and more beautiful as you step forward in strength rather than desperation. Don’t hate the player or the game. Just leave them both in the dust.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

P.S. If it helps in the tiniest bit, like many women, I have been there. Find my story in the award-winning Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love. Goddess Hint: There are the happiest of endings!

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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Filed under: Love & Sex